Adventures of a Yankee Girl

Well Hello!

2012-01-04T10:01:00.000-08:00

You know, I never intend to take these breaks, they just
sort of seem to happen.

It has been a long time.
And really, I have no excuses and no lame reasons for being gone. Life has been rather simple and boring
lately. But I am going to try this again.

Right now.

When the timing is oh so bad.

You see, in two weeks I will be starting school again and my
life will actually be busy. I should
have been blogging when everything was quiet and easy, but apparently that just
isn’t how I do things. I actually like
chaos. I thrive in chaos. So maybe having too much stuff to do will
actually be better for me. Maybe, just
maybe, I will start to get more things done.

I have a Bachelor’s degree in English, and as you probably
suspect, that degree hasn’t really been doing much for me lately. Or ever.
I am thirty years old and I am still working at what was supposed to
just be a college job. For the past TEN
YEARS, I have been making myself feel better about staying at a job I loathe by
saying things like “Oh, but it’s only 15 minutes from home and it’s so
convenient.” Or sometimes I’ll tell
myself that the four weeks of vacation I get make up for being miserable the
other 48 weeks of the year. But my all
time favorite excuse is that I can leave work at work, so in the evenings and
on the weekends I have all the time in the world to pursue things that actually
interest me. But no, I have not been
using my time wisely.

I have been thinking about nursing for quite some time. I actually thought about it before I decided
to get my ever so helpful degree in English.
I don’t know why I never followed through. But in October I had a breakthrough.

I sell bolts and nuts for a living. Yes, it is as glamorous as it sounds.

Every year my two bosses go to the fastener convention in
Vegas. When they came back, the boss I
like had all sorts of stories to tell me.
But the story that pushed me over the edge was this one:

The boss I like came in the office, all geared up and exited
after the convention. He had some
paperwork for me that he picked up in Vegas.
Apparently there is a new organization forming for women in the fastener
industry and he wanted me to join and be a part of it. And then he went on to tell me that when they
were talking to the person about me joining the women in the fastener industry
organization, the boss I do not like said, “why would you want Aly to be part
of it? All she does is answer the phones.”

There are two problems with that story. The first one is glaringly obvious. I DO WAY MORE THINGS THAN JUST ANSWER THE
PHONES! Really? Is that what he thinks about me? After ten years of working my ass off he
actually thinks all I do is answer the phones?
Why the hell would he pay me so much if all I do is answer the
phones? The boss I do like often jokes
that my job title should be Saves the Day.
Because that is what I actually do.
Every day I put out fires and step up and finish jobs that other people
should be doing but don’t because they all suck and no one gets fired in my company.

So yeah, I was more than pissed off to hear that my boss
thinks to little of me. But then upon
reflection, it made me happy to hear because it is just what I needed. I hate my job and the very last thing I want
to do is join an organization for women in the fastener industry. I want to get out of the fastener industry,
not get more involved. So the following
weekend I went to the local community college and signed up for classes.

I have eleven pre-req’s I need to take before I can apply for
the nursing program. It sucks, but I am
going to do it. If I work my ass off I
can have them all finished in a year and a half. This means I will only be working at a job I
hate for another year and a half. After
I get accepted to the nursing program I plan on quitting my job and going to
school full time. I can’t wait. I have never been excited to start school
before.

The 10 Year Anniversary

2011-09-09T07:59:00.000-07:00

The 9/11 anniversary is on Sunday. Every time I turn on the computer I am jarred by all of the photos. When I turn on the radio I cry when I hear the stories. I know the press is probably just trying to honor those who died and possibly bring some comfort to those who lost loved ones that day. I know it is a devastating day in our history.

I just can’t handle it. I am a very sensitive person and seeing the photos and reading the stories make me cry. Big, fat, elephant sized tears. Like every other human being in this country, and most human beings on this earth, I will never forget what happened that day. Seeing it all over again isn’t reminding me of anything. How can you be reminded when you never forgot?

It just makes me incredibly sad. My heart breaks all over again. And the thing is, I can’t NOT read the stories or look at the pictures. Though I try to pass over the article I see about 9/11 online, I just can’t do it. For some reason I put myself through the pain all over again. Maybe I do it because I know there are people who still suffer with real pain from that day. And really, being sad for a few days every year about it is nothing compared to what some people went through and are still going through.

But I just can’t handle it. Unlike millions of people, I will not be turning on my TV to watch coverage. I will not read articles online, I will not listen to radio programs. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, it surely doesn’t mean I am not affected. It just means my heart can’t take the pain anymore.

Show me your DORK!

2011-08-31T07:20:00.000-07:00

No matter how cool we all may think we are on the outside, deep down a dork lives in all of us. True story.

Two weeks ago I admitted to watching High School Musical.
And High School Musical 2.
And last week I watched High School Musical: Senior Year.
And enjoyed all three of them.

I definitely think this qualifies me as a dork. Leland thinks so as well.

But I know I am not the only dork out there. Leland is pretty cool because he plays guitar in a heavy metal band….but then once you find out that he LOVES spreadsheets you realize he is just a big dork. Yes, that’s right. He loves spreadsheets. I don’t get it either. My BFF Danny is tall, dark and handsome and also a metal musician….but he is addicted to video games and often prefers sitting in front of the TV playing games to human interaction. Yes, he too is a dork.

A dork lives in all of us. Most of the time we don’t want to admit these things about ourselves. Sometimes we try and sugarcoat them. Just recently I called the stupid, teenage, girly movies I like my guilty pleasure. But really, I am a 30 year old woman. My guilty pleasure should be a glass (or bottle) of wine after work. Maybe it should be watching Cowboys and Aliens over and over again drooling over Daniel Craig. Watching stupid, teenage, girly movies is NOT a guilty pleasure. Watching those movies just proves that I am a big, fat dork.

So tell me, what makes you a dork??? I know I am not alone....

Weekend Getaway

2011-08-09T11:33:00.000-07:00

I got home from my annual camping trip to Buckhorn State Park in Wisconsin on Sunday night. I am still so tired.

Every year Leland and I talk our friends into spending 4 days with us camping on Castle Rock Lake. We eat, drink A LOT of beer, and swim pretty much all afternoon. Though I am back at work, I am still recovering from the weekend. I usually sleep so well whenever I sleep outside, but not this weekend.

(That's one of our campsites. I love how they are right on the lake!)

I AM SO TIRED!

Plus, I think I am still bloated from all that beer.

Though I didn’t drink nearly as much as I have in the past, my age is making it harder and harder to party and rally. Unlike past years I have been camping, I managed to keep my clothes on all weekend. And I didn’t get drunk so I didn’t spend an entire day hungover. It was just a long weekend of relaxing, swimming, taking naps in the sun and doing beer bongs. Yes, I may be getting older but still don’t think I am too old for beer bongs yet.

Leland went to a concert with Danny yesterday, so when I got home from work yesterday afternoon I was all by myself. Want to know what I did with my time?

I watched High School Musical.

Yep. True story.

And when I was done with it I watched High School Musical 2. I would have kept going and watched the 3rd one, but it isn’t streaming on Netflix.

Yes, I enjoyed them. I am a dork and I don’t care who knows!

Anyway. I’m back home and back to work and all I really want to do is go back to the lake. Is that too much to ask?

Summer Vacation

2011-07-29T07:37:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned last week, Leland and I took a vacation to Savannah, GA at the beginning of summer. I was turning 30 and I wanted to celebrate my birthday somewhere other than here. It was easily the best vacation we have ever taken.

On my birthday we went to Tybee Beach and rode jet skis with dolphins. It was amazing how many dolphins were swimming right where we were jet skiing, there had to be at least 20. They were breathtaking to watch. That night Leland took me out to dinner and we both ate a ton of seafood.

We ate seafood every day we were there and it was all kinds of delicious.

Savannah stole our hearts. We fell in love immediately. Savannah is one of the prettiest places I have ever seen. We loved the history, the squares and the monuments. OF COURSE I went to the Juliette Gordon Low house. I loved seeing all of the Girl Scout troops that were visiting. I was happy to be surrounded by my people. Yes, that’s right. “My people” are 10 year old girls. I can’t help it. Though they don’t know it, we have a kinship.

We loved the bars, we loved the restaurants. We loved how easy it was to get around. We loved the proximity to the beach. We loved the southern hospitality.

Most of our time was spent at the beach. Yeah, we could have been seeing some really cool historic sights, but the beach was just so wonderful. Some days we read books at the beach, some days we just drank beer. But every day we went swimming. I love the water so being able to swim was such a treat for me. And since we spent so much time at the beach and drinking beers, I learned how to pee in the ocean. So now I am REALLY GOOD at doing that too.

*Is this too much pee talk for everyone?*

At nights we would get back to our hotel around 10 or so, and then we would stay up drinking wine and swimming in the hotel pool or boiling in the hot tub. Sometimes we would just sit outside and listen to the sound of the bugs chirping.

We never wanted to leave.

p.s. I was told by several of you, as well as my mother, that we needed to go to Paula Deen’s restaurant. We went. I cook better than that. It was very disappointing and I wouldn’t recommend it.

Being Great

2011-07-27T05:38:00.000-07:00

You know how some people are really great at doing some things? For instance, Leland is really great at playing guitar. Charlie Sheen is great at winning. VC is really great at juggling. Don't know who VC is? Well, he is this really great kid who belongs to Carma. He is super talented and I am always in awe when I see one of his videos. Plus, I think he does backflips every day of his life. Watch the video, you won't regret it.

For years I have been trying to find something I am really great at doing and I have been coming up empty handed. Sure, I do a lot of things well. I’m good at baking and cooking. I do a beer bong better than most people. I can talk on the phone and do laundry at the same time. So I am not saying that I am without any talents.

I just wanted to be GREAT at doing one thing. I have been looking for one thing that I am better at than anyone else I know. Hell, I even want to be better at it than people I don’t know. It has been a long and arduous journey, but it has finally come to an end.

Last weekend while Leland and I were camping I realized that I am REALLY GREAT at…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Peeing outside.

Now, I understand that I will never be better than a man at peeing outside. Logistically it just isn’t possible. But I am very confident that there are very few women in this world who can pee outside as well as I can. I am a pro.

I don’t have pee dribbling down my legs.

I don’t have pee dribbling all over my pants.

I don’t even have to lean against something.

And I do it all without even pulling down my panties.

This wasn’t a God-given ability. I worked hard for this one. I keep telling you how many life lessons Girl Scouts has to offer and here is another. I learned to pee outside like a pro from all those years camping and doing outside activities. I also learned from playing in the woods with my sisters when we were little. Hell, I have even peed behind my own garage because my one bathroom was occupied. What I am saying is I have had years and years of practice. And now I can finally say I am REALLY GREAT at something.

The Return of the In-laws

2011-07-25T06:13:00.000-07:00

Last week I hinted about Leland’s parents being back in the picture. Until a few weeks ago, we hadn’t spoken to them in 4 years. If you want a quick catch up on what went down, go here and here.

On June 30th Leland’s dad was in a motorcycle accident.

According to witnesses and the police report, Edward was swerving between traffic, squeezed between two cars that were stopped at a red light and then proceeded to go through the red light. In other words, the asshole had it coming. He was hit on his right side by one car and then another car hit him as he was knocked off his bike. He had to be airlifted to a hospital.

Edward fractured his skull, beat up his face, fractured his tailbone and shattered his right leg. The doctors think he will need more than a dozen surgeries to put his leg back together. When he was first admitted to the hospital doctors weren’t sure that he was even going to survive. So this is the second time he has come back from the dead. How many lives does this man have?

The night after the accident Leland and I were sitting on our deck, drinking beer and talking about his family. Leland’s initial reaction to hearing about the accident was….nondescript. He didn’t seem to care that much. But after talking for a while, we decided that we would take the 3 hour drive and visit his dad in the hospital. At this point, it was still very possible that this would be the last chance for Leland to see his father alive. Leland wanted to see him to have some sort of closure. On the fourth of July, we went.

I don’t even know how to explain how we felt about this situation….

We drove to his parents’ house first to pick up his mother and take her with us to the hospital. She cried and hugged us both. I tried not to roll my eyes when she was being all sad. And it took A LOT for me to hug her back. Leland and his mom made small talk on the way to the hospital as I sat in the back seat trying not to be annoyed by the situation.

It was a very surreal day. Seeing Edward made Leland angry. He has been dealing with all of these negative feelings for so long and I think seeing his dad again made them even more real. Though Edward was still in an induced coma, he was very mildly responsive. At this point, 5 days after the accident, he was in the clear and is expected to make a full recovery. Leland was able to say what he has been waiting 4 years to say, but we know Edward doesn’t remember anything. Leland still thinks he is a bastard and still doesn’t want to have anything to do with him.

On the way back to his parents’ house from the hospital Leland and his mom finally talked about the real issues. They fought, they got mad, they somehow made some progress. She apologized to both of us. She hugged both of us again. And then we went home. They have talked once since the 4th, and I am sure there will be more phone calls.

However, this is not a reconciliation. Fuck that. At this point I don’t even know if that is possible. Leland is in no hurry to patch things up with his family. And neither am I.

Coming out of Retirement

2011-07-21T11:26:00.000-07:00

I have really been enjoying my summer. We started it out by taking the best vacation ever to Savannah, GA, and we have kept the fun going all summer long. We have been having so much fun and all responsibilities have been pushed to the side.

Ok, not all responsibilities. As much as we wanted to, it has been nearly impossible to escape reality for very long this summer. With work issues, and *gasp* Leland’s parents creeping back into the picture, there really isn’t much we can do except pour another beer.

Yes, we go to work like we have to, but the laundry? It has been sitting in baskets all over my house for weeks. I manage to get the laundry clean, but only after we are all out of underwear, and it never makes it in the closet or drawers where clean laundry belongs. My dining room is a mess. I have an entire summers worth of mail piled up on the dining room table. I have coupons scattered everywhere because although I find the time to clip them, I just cannot break myself away from the daiquiris long enough to organize them. And we haven’t weeded our yard, flowerboxes or driveway all summer. Yes, I said driveway. It needs to be seal coated so badly be we haven’t done that either. My house is so unkempt that it is starting to look like a foreclosure property.

But my neighbors aren’t complaining yet so I don’t care. I am just going to continue having fun, because the work will still be waiting there for me when I am done. And now that I am blogging again, I have no idea when any chores will be completed. And that’s ok with me. I have a neat freak husband who will do it all when he gets overwhelmed. I just need to wait long enough for that to happen.

The Smartest Woman in the World

2011-04-27T08:37:00.000-07:00

Because I was asked so nicely to do some entertaining today by Organic Meatbag:

As I was on my way to work this morning I was listening to a Chicago radio station, 101.9fm. Great. No one cares about the radio station, but I thought I should add it in case anyone was wondering.

I tuned in a little too late to hear the whole story, but apparently someone or some group with nothing better to do did a study on whether breast size could be a sign of intelligence in women. And you want to know what they found?

They found that I am the smartest women in the world.

You see, their silly little study showed that women with larger breasts were more intelligent than women with small breasts.

Please don’t shoot the messenger. I wasn’t the one to do this study. Plus, I have no idea what the sample size was or how they tested the intelligence of the ladies. And I have no idea what they consider to be large or small. I really don’t know anything about this at all except that without evening meeting me, they already think I’m smart.

I think this is the best news ever, because without even taking an intelligence test, I just became the smartest woman in the world. I have G cups. Yes, that’s right. G as in Gigantic. G as in Gorgeous. G as in Gee whiz, don’t you look smart!

Ok, so I know there are women out there who have bigger boobs than I do, but I don’t know them so they don’t exist in my little world. And because I don’t know them, I can tell everyone that I am the smartest woman in the world. You bet I am going to take this one all the way to the bank. Not that I actually understand what that expression means, but I am still going to do it.

It's Time to Get Me Outta Here!

2011-04-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

Is 7 weeks too early to start counting down to a vacation?

Even if it is, my countdown has already started.

In 7 weeks Leland and I will be leaving town for my birthday, driving to Savannah, GA for a week of goofing off and misbehaving. Why Savannah, GA you might ask? Well, Leland and I love roadtrips. We were planning on taking one last year that we had to cancel because of my awesome abilities to cause extreme injury to myself. It has been nearly three years since our last vacation and we both wanted to do something this summer. And since I am the most indecisive person in the world, I sighed up for Groupons in several places around the country. I decided to let Groupon make the decision for me.

One day a few months ago the Groupon for that chosen day was 50% off a king suite at a hotel in Savannah, GA. The decision had been made. Though we were dreaming about a trip, staying in a hotel for 6 nights can be so expensive and we weren't sure if we could afford $1000 just for a hotel room. But with the amazing Groupon deal we were able to start planning our trip.

(No, this isn't a commercial for Groupon, I just really love them right now).

We were also able to book a walking tour for 50% off on Groupon, as well as 50% off a carriage ride ghost tour (Savannah is apparently a very haunted city), and I got a $60 gift certificate for a sushi restaurant for only $20. Oh, and I bought a Groupon for a dolphin watching boat ride that was 50% off.

So as I am at work and should be getting work done, I cannot stop day dreaming about getting the hell out of town. I am excited to go here:

The Juliette Gordon Low house. Juliette Gordon Low is the founder of the Girl Scouts of America, and you all know how much I heart the Girl Scouts! I am so excited to take a picture in front of it!

We will also be stopping here:

This is one of Savannah's 24 squares, and the square made famous by the opening park bench scene in Forrest Gump. Leland and I have plans to rent bikes and see all 24 squares while we are there.

But I think I am most excited about going here:

I hope to spend my birthday doing nothing but hanging out at the beach. That would make my birthday a very happy day. But for now, I am sitting in my office, looking at pictures with my head in the clouds. I know the 7 weeks will fly by, and though I really want to take my vacation, I don't want to wish away my last few weeks of still being in my 20's!

Meet the Neighbors

2011-04-06T08:01:00.000-07:00

This past Saturday was a beautiful spring day in my area, and for the first time in months, the neighbors were outside enjoying the weather. Leland and I even took a little time to catch up with our neighbors Dan and Margie. Dan and Margie are great neighbors, but we haven’t always been that lucky. Read on about The Drug Dealers, The Reclusive Weirdoes, and The Asshole Prankster. And because not all of our neighbors have been bad, I’ve included The Best Neighbors in the Whole Goddamn World. The Drug Dealers: Now, I cannot be absolutely sure that we had drug dealers living next door, but all evidence points to that being that case. At all hours of the day and night, random people would pull up, park on the street and leave their cars running. They would go inside, and then leave moments later. This happened at least 8 times every single day. I really wasn’t that concerned about the drugs they were dealing, however the middle of the night arguments that the man and woman had were out of control. They yelled and screamed loud enough for the whole block to have an intimate account of their arguments. Words like whore, slut, good for nothing bitch were thrown around nonstop. They got evicted shortly after we moved in because I called the landlord and complained multiple times. The Best Neighbors in the Whole Goddamn World: Right after we moved in The Best Neighbors in the Whole Goddamn World moved in right next door. They were a couple in their late 30’s who had the sweetest daughter ever. We became friends very quickly, mostly because the man would come over to our house every Friday after work with beer for everyone. Our Beer-thirty Friday nights became a tradition. On the weekends we would do hard work together, let the dogs play, grill food and drink some more. We walked into each other’s houses without knocking, and had keys to each other’s houses in case the doors were locked for some reason. I am pretty sure I cried when they told us they were moving. Even now, we still call each other “neighbor.” The Asshole Pranksters: When we moved in Leland and I expected to be the loud, annoying people on the block. So at first we were relieved to find that someone else already at that title. A single 20-something male lived two doors down. He was loud, obnoxious and rude. He had shady friends over and treated me and our then roommate Star like shit. He was a gross, chauvinist pig. So when Leland started complaining to him about the way he was treating the ladies, Asshole Prankster got pissed. Once he peed on our front porch. Another time he came over and broke two of my flower pots. During a party he was having him and some friends came over and smashed the bricks that made up our front steps. Please reports were filed but we were never able to press charges. Eventually he left us alone, but that was only after Leland went to his house and threatened him. It really worked to our advantage that Leland is big and scary. When he put a For Sale sign in his front yard Leland and I celebrated with a bottle of champagne. The Reclusive Weirdoes: When The Best Neighbors in the Whole Goddamn World moved out, the Reclusive Weirdoes moved in. The Reclusive Weirdoes are a family of five. They have two teenage boys and a girl who is probably 9 or 10 right now. They have lived right next door to us and WE NEVER SEE THEM. The young girl never plays outside. The teenage boys don’t even mow the lawn. The last time we saw the man was in the beginning of February right after we had a blizzard. I have honestly forgotten what the woman looks like because I haven’t seen her in MONTHS. Yes, they are quiet and never cause problems, but I cannot get over how weird it is that they live next door and they never emerge from their house. Dan and Margie: Dan and Margie live on the other side of us. They moved in a few years ago and are absolutely wonderful. They are about my parents age, and I think they like having Leland and I around. I think Dan sees a lot of himself in Leland. Dan was a former wild child, he loves listening to the band practice in the basement, and he loves talking to all of the band guys about music and jamming. Dan sold us our motorcycle, he plows our driveway in the winter, helps us with pretty much whatever we need in the summer. And in return I bake them pies.

I Have Been Lost....In a Good Book

2011-03-23T07:49:00.000-07:00

For the past few weeks, I have been doing something I haven’t done in a really long time. I have been reading books.

I canceled my Facebook page and found I had all of this extra time to do some reading. And then once I started reading, I just couldn’t stop, so my blog was put on hold as well. Now I need to figure out how to balance reading and blogging. Because I like to do both and would like to be able to do both.

Right now I am reading Scent of the Missing: Love and Partnership with a Search and Rescue Dog by Susannah Charleson. For all of you dog/animal lovers out there, it is a must read. It’s funny and heartwarming and has even made me allow my dog Bacchus to lay in bed with Leland and I on occasion.

I just finished reading all of the Dragon Tattoo books by Steig Larsson. Loved them.

I have been reading some Jennifer Weiner chick lit, as well as some really bad books I checked out from the library. I love the library. Did you know you can rent books there for free????? For so long I was spending so much money buying books. I used to spend about $150 a month on books.

But not anymore.

The library is saving me so much money!

I will be heading back to the library tonight with hopes of finding a few more books that are worthy of my attention. I am sure I will leave with an armful.

Tales from my Twenties--Continuing with my 80's Rock Concert Shenanigans.

2011-02-25T06:47:00.000-08:00

In July 2009, Leland and I went with our good friends Danny and Kathryn to see Ratt at the House of Blues in Chicago.

We love Ratt, and were both way pumped to be able to see them perform Body Talk live. Body Talk is one of our favorite songs.

When we made it to Chicago, we had about 30 minutes until Danny and Kathryn were supposed to meet us, so we went to the bar next door to the House of Blues and ordered a drink. About half way through that first drink, I decided it was an excellent idea for us to do a shot. Leland was a little apprehensive because he knows how I get once I start doing shots, but I assured him it would just be one. He should know me better than that.

We did our shot and then went outside to meet Danny and Kathryn.

As soon as I saw Kathryn I remembered a very important fact about her: she loves doing tequila shots as much as I do.

Just one more shot, I told Leland. We are at Ratt and I have to do a tequila shot with Kathryn. Don’t worry, I said, it’ll just be the one shot.

We took our one shot and followed it with a beer.

We were having a good time, so naturally I thought we should do another shot. Nothing says “let’s party” like a shot of tequila. I ignored Leland’s protests and ordered two more shots for me and Kathryn. He shouldn’t even have tried to protest because there was no way he was going to win that argument.

I was probably getting a little wild and crazy. Probably. The thing is, I don’t really remember much. Apparently 80’s music concerts make me get all kinds of drunk and forget important things.

I remember taking several more shots. I remember there was a point when I could barely walk. I remember thinking that all of those shots of tequila were not a good idea. I remember thinking that I should never have opened a tab with our debit card.

And that is all I remembered until I woke up on the ground in a parking garage, next to a very large pile of vomit.

I can only imagine what I must have looked like to random people walking to their parked cars.

I remember waking up, not having any idea how I got where I was. I remember being so happy that I was right next to my car and that I didn’t lock myself out when I got out of the car to puke. And then I remembered dumping the contents of my purse all over the ground to find my cell phone so I could locate Leland. And I think it was at that moment that I saw Leland, Danny and Kathryn walking toward me like a mirage in the distance.

I was still very drunk and my vision was very blurry.

Apparently Leland took me to our car because I wanted him to be able to see the concert. I guess it didn’t occur to either of us that I might decide to leave the car once I got there. Lucky for me I was way too drunk to stay upright.

Though I puked a lot, I spent two days being hung over.

Oh, and I didn’t learn my lesson. I still love doing tequila shots, though now I will only do them at home. And I am so glad there were no camera’s around this time to document my drunkenness.

P.S. I can so feel my mother beaming with pride as she reads these stories.

I Have a Rubber Butt

2011-02-22T12:46:00.000-08:00

In my real life I am a very nice person.

(I’m a nice person online too, so I guess that would just make me a nice person in general.)

I like to take care of people so I go out of my way to make others happy. I make myself available to my friends and family whenever they need me. If I am at work or busy doing something else, I will drop everything if someone texts me that they need me to call.

I make the call. I do what I need to do to be there for the people I love and care about.

What is this about, you may be wondering…

I have no idea why some people decide to be blatantly rude to me for no reason.

Take Snake, for instance. Snake likes to pretend that he is in his mid-twenties and party with us until dawn. He is very creepy. He is the older guy who will come up behind you and rub your shoulders even if you didn’t ask him to. He is the older guy who will make jokes about you giving him a blow job. I don’t like him (that’s why I am calling him Snake) but I have never been mean or rude to him. I just keep my distance whenever he is around. I have never extended the hand of friendship but always smile and am polite when I happen to see him.

For some reason he treats me so badly whenever possible. A few months ago while we were at a friend’s wedding, Snake told me that I looked like a whore.

I didn’t look like a whore at all. I was wearing a dress that was right below my knees and I wasn’t showing any cleavage. And several people commented on how pretty I looked. And honestly, the way I looked as nothing to do with it and shouldn't even be considered. What really matters was the display of poor manners.

(That was actually a pretty shitty day for me because the bride’s sister felt the need to point out that I am a “chunky girl.” That made me feel awesome. So even though several people thought I looked amazing, all I could think was that I looked like a chunky whore.)

Once Snake came up to me and questioned why anyone was even friends with me.

The funny thing is, I have been getting that question a lot lately. People have actually been wondering how I have any friends.

I’m not going to get defensive and list reasons why people want to be friends with me. That would just be silly. The people who read my blog because they like to, because they know me and love me, because they think I am funny and because we have formed positive, friendly relationships with each other know exactly why someone would want to be my friend.

And I know what those reasons are as well. So bring on the rudeness, I am not going to let it get me down.

I have a rubber butt, I bounce back.

Tales From my Twenties -- Rocklahoma Style

2011-02-18T07:02:00.000-08:00

In the spring of 2007 Leland called me at work. “Do you have any interest in taking a road trip to Oklahoma?” he asked.

“Not really,” I said.

“How bout if we were going to see White Lion in concert?” he asked.

I almost didn’t believe him, but sure as shit, White Lion was playing at Rocklahoma, an 80’s hair band/cock rock music festival. I am fairly certain we bought our 3 day passes that night.

We love White Lion and actually give them a little credit for us being together.

In July, we packed the car and road tripped to the concert. We brought all the essentials: clothes, sunscreen and the beer bong.

The festival was in this big field, with tents of merchandise, food and beer set up all around the perimeter. It was HOT. So I did the only smart thing: I started drinking excessive amounts of Miller Chill, even though I thought it was sort of gross.

We were outside for the entire day, switching off between watching a band, drinking beer and doing shots in the alcohol tents, and heading back to the parking lot to make some friends and do beer bongs with total strangers.

I had no idea how drunk I was.

I vaguely remember taking drunken photos with random people.

I sort of recall laying on the grass by my car and taking a nap.

There are hazy images of Leland sticking his fingers down my throat to make me throw up.

I think I even remember some guys seeing Leland trying to make me vomit and commenting on how it was sort of a weird form of porn.

But I had no idea how drunk I was until the following morning. When I was going through my pockets to see how much cash I had left, I found a signed consent form from the Howard Stern film crew. Apparently I gave them permission to use footage of my breasts for their TV show, along with the drunken interview I gave them. The topless, drunken interview I gave them.

Apparently I didn’t learn my lesson after drunkenly signing a consent form for Girls Gone Wild. That story will be coming later.

I Once Made Out With A....

2011-02-16T08:31:00.000-08:00

Last week RN Mama told us a story about how she pseudo-dated a rodeo clown. Of course this made me think about all the unsavory traveling freakshows I have dated.

Well, there was actually only one traveling freakshow in my past.

I know, surprising, right?

(The other freakshows weren't traveling)

And I didn't date this one, it was just a one time impulse decision.

But the one I have was bad enough that I up until now I have only shared this very dark secret with a few people. Like my very good friend Amy....

Last summer I was sitting outside with a friend, drinking boxed wine. We were pretty blitzed and having a great time when my cell phone rang.

It was Amy and it was late so I answered it, thinking that maybe something was wrong.

Instead I could hear her giggling. “Al,” she said. “Mike and I were just leaving Summerfest and we were laughing about the time you made out with a Carnie!”

Only a very, very good friend can get away with making a phone call strictly to laugh at you. But it was funny, and I couldn’t help but laugh along with her. Amy and I weren’t yet friends when the Carnie kissing happened, so she was trying to remember the details to tell her husband Mike about it.

I had to have been around 14 or 15. You know, old enough to go to the county fair with just my sister, but young enough to think that the carnie running the carousel was HOT. I was also young enough to think that nothing would make me happier than having him stick his dirty tongue down my throat.

I remember my sister thinking that he was gross, and that I should not pay any attention to him. But my sister and I split up to hang out with our friends separately, so I did not have her with me to protect me from acting stupid.

For some reason I can remember exactly what I was wearing that day. I was wearing light blue jeans, not quite stonewashed, but close enough. I have no idea why I was wearing jeans because I remember being uncomfortable hot. It was the first week of August in the Midwest. Of course I was hot. I also had on a light pink tank top and brown sandals. I must have been looking smokin’ because I caught the carnie’s eye.

Lucky me!

I must have been so entranced with the carnie because I would not listen to anyone who told me that I should not be flirting with him. I did not care that other people thought it wasn’t a good idea. Instead, I left my friends and spent a good part of the day riding the carousel.

Too bad he didn’t run something cool, like the tilt-a-whirl.

When his shift was over we spent the rest of the night riding whatever I wanted to ride for free. I thought that was a pretty sweet deal. We made out a lot, and then I went home. Thank goddess my sister was smart enough not to take me back to the fair that year. I am sure she saved me from doing other very stupid things.

p.s. Carnie boy may have been the first boy to feel me up, but I’m not really sure….

As it Turns Out, It is ALL About the Cookies

2011-02-14T06:05:00.001-08:00

I am a little embarrassed today.

No, I didn't do something regretful this weekend.

Well, maybe I did.

Remeber when I wrote the post about the things I learned in Girl Scouts? Remember when I admitted to all of you that I was a Girl Scout until I graduated high school?

Well, if you didn't know, it's Girl Scout cookie time. I usually have a family member or child of a friend that I order from, but this year no one came knocking on my door. So when RN Mama posted a giveaway on her blog that would win me 3 boxes of cookies, I just had to participate. I did whatever I could to win those cookies, even sending her a picture of myself in my Girl Scout uniform when I was 15!

Yes people. The proof that I was a major nerd in high school is hanging out at RN Mama today. Go take a look.

Tales from my Twenties

2011-02-11T05:58:00.000-08:00

In June I will be turning 30. I’m sort of looking forward to it, excited for all of the things a new decade in my life will bring. My 20’s were amazing. I had fun nearly every single day. I had all sorts of new experiences. I got myself into all kinds of trouble. My 20’s were pure magic.

Though I have faith that my 30’s will be even better, I have decided that my 20’s should receive a proper farewell. So please indulge me for the next 4 months as I tell you some of the best tales from my twenties.

I Have Yet ANOTHER Accident

Wednesday started off as just another day at work. I was dead tired because I didn’t sleep well the night before. I was having one of those days where I felt like I shouldn’t even get out of bed. But duty calls, so I got my ass up and went into work.

It was a normal day for all of two hours.

And then my sleep deprived, emotionally exhausted brain decided to get on the forklift.

Sometimes I am a really big idiot and don’t think about what I am doing. This was one of those times. If I was thinking about what I was doing I would have turned around while I was backing up, instead of just putting the forklift in reverse and stepping on the gas.

No, I didn’t hit another person. I didn’t injure anyone.

But I did hit the furnace that was hanging from the ceiling and cause a massive gas leak.

My boss called 911 and we were told to evacuate the building. When emergency responders showed up, they had to evacuate the entire building. So, because of me, there were dozens of people standing outside in the 6 degree temps, freezing their asses off. A few of us were smart (surprisingly I was one of the smart ones) and decided to wait in our cars until we were given the ok to go back in the building, but for the most part people were freezing outside. Some of them even decided to evacuate the building without grabbing coats.

I sat in my car and waited. Finally a police officer came to talk to me because I needed to file an accident report. It was all professional and boring until he asked me one question.

"Do you get in accidents like this a lot?"

It seems even strangers can tell how accident prone I am.

After laughing to myself I said, “Well, not exactly like this one, but yes.”

When I told Leland what happened he said, “Yeah, that sounds like something you would do.”

After a while we were allowed to go back into the building. It was a little warmer inside, but not by much because the fire department couldn’t tell which gas valve was for my particular unit so they had to turn off the gas for the whole building. And then they had to turn off the electricity.

From 10am until 2:30pm, no business in the entire building was able to operate. We didn’t have heat or electricity for over 4 hours.

All because of me.

I love being the cause of so much chaos.

Humpity Hump

2011-02-09T09:11:00.000-08:00

Last night Leland and I were laying in bed, discussing sex. Really, it actually is all we talk about anymore. As of today, with the new year of sex, we are 15 times behind.

Leland blames me for this.

I can hardly blame him. I am the one who bleeds from my vagina for 5 days every month. And as it turns out, this month I have a cold sore on my lip and am bleeding from my vagina at the exact same time.

So I am pretty much useless.

Leland tells me I need to get a stunt double.

Apparently if I had a stunt double, banging out 700 times will be easy. Since he is always ready to go, and I seem to be the person in the mix who keeps setting us behind, obviously a stunt double is necessary.

We all remember last year’s great failure. We all remember the precious time we lost because I just had to go rollerblading. We all remember the yeast infection in my butthole (oh, you forgot about that? You were trying to erase that from your memory? Never fear, I will always be here to help you remember things you subliminally blocked from your memory). And I was the one who got lazy at the end of the year and just decided to stop trying. Leland, however, never got tired of it. He never had anything happen that kept him from performing. Leland is ready to have sex 700 times in one year, and then also be some other guy’s stunt double for the same exercise.

Leland has very few requirements for my stunt double. Or cunt double, if you will.

She must be a she.

She must be disease free.

She must not be on the same menstruation cycle as me.

And she must be willing to spread her legs whenever HE is ready and able.

Oh, and she must do this for free, because we are broke and cannot afford to pay her.

Sounds like a sweet deal, right?

(Is this too much? Am I taking this too far? No? Then let’s go further)

I THINK THIS IS A GREAT IDEA.

If only there was some girl out there whose main goal in life was to be my stunt double. It would make my life a whole lot easier. And it might give me time to read a few good books this year.

A Weekend Getaway

2011-02-01T11:31:00.000-08:00

Leland and I had the most amazing weekend in Marquette, MI.

As most of you know, I don’t *do* winter. I loathe it. It turns me into a mean and nasty person. It makes me whine and cry and act really pathetic. My attitude makes Leland want to run and hide. He cannot handle me during the winter months. So you can just imagine our surprise when I was happy and relaxed and enjoyed my weekend even farther up north where there is a ton more snow.

At least there is more snow there right now, but I am sure that won’t be the case when we get the 24 inches of snow that the weatherman keeps threatening.

The weekend was all kinds of wonderful. The groom’s parents rented a coach bus for all of the out of town guests heading up for the wedding. So instead of having to deal with the long drive, we were able to sit back, relax, drink a ton of beer, and have fun with the other people on the bus. At some point during the trip I was loaded enough to think it was a good idea to call the hotel and ask for a room upgrade.

And boy I am glad I did.

Leland and I spent the weekend in a huge suite with a Jacuzzi in the bathroom. I know I don’t need to be specific about what we did all weekend! Unlike the other people who were anxious to spend the extra time out at bars, Leland and I spent the weekend in our room. We took lots of long bubble baths, we drank wine, we played card games. We did a ton of relaxing.

The wedding was beautiful and the reception was so much fun. I think I danced the entire night. I think. There was an open bar so I can’t be too sure. You know how too much alcohol can make you brown out….

Everything was wonderful.

The only thing that was not awesome was the 6 inch heels I decided to wear. They were a big mistake. What was I thinking? I am the klutz supreme. I should have known better than to buy 6 inch heels! They did look really hot though!

My Boring Life

2011-01-27T08:14:00.000-08:00

My life is really boring right now.

But you know what? I am so ok with boring.

I haven't been blogging because nothing interesting is happening. When people ask me what's new, the answer is always the same: nothing.

In the past few weeks since Leland and I have had nothing going on, I have realized that I really like my boring life. I like going to work, going to the gym, and then coming home and making dinner with Leland, followed by some cut-throat games of Mario Kart Wii. On the weekends we have been staying in, maybe having a few friends over to play some games. Though those times are fun, I don't really get any good stories out of them. They are just some relaxing evenings spent inside.

We are getting ready to go out of town for the weekend for a wedding and last night Leland was coloring my hair. We were getting a little annoyed with each other because I thought he didn't know what he was doing and he thought I was being bossy, but even through the tension, I enjoyed doing nothing with him. I liked that we were together, just being us, and not really doing anything all that cool or exciting. And though we have a very long list of things we need to do tonight before we leave tomorrow morning, I am looking forward to doing chores with Leland. It will just be us, living our boring life, and I am very ok with that.

Hump Day Hangover

2011-01-19T09:10:00.000-08:00

If you want to know what this is about click here.

It is a sad day here in Hump Day Land.

Though our year isn’t quite up, Leland and I are admitting defeat.

Having sex 700 times in one year was impossible for us. Though we think we gave it a good try, it just wasn’t possible for us to do. Hell, it may not be possible for anyone to do. Having that much sex was HARD.

We forced ourselves to do it even when we didn’t want to. We would spend days humping like rabbits just to try and catch up. But with only a month left and only having had sex 331 times, we aren’t going to try to fool ourselves into thinking that we can have sex 369 times in one month. So this is me admitting that we couldn’t do it.

But not for lack of trying….

My life has been one long string of impromptu decisions, and the decision to give this a try was made without any thought or planning. We just jumped in the sack and didn’t give it much thought. If only I knew then what I know now…..

Now I know that having sex 2 times a day really is difficult, and if we want to be successful we really need to get a good start. Last February we started and then a week later Leland went out of town for work. If this is going to work, there can be no getting behind, we have to stay ahead of the game.

I also know that after a few months, I will get bored, so to keep it exciting, we need more rules that just to have sex twice a day. I think now we need a sort of checklist. You know, places to do it, positions we want to try, that sort of thing. That way when it does get boring, and it will, we will have some fun and different things to try.

And being so stressed about it didn’t work for us either. Though reaching 700 was the ultimate goal, having our sex be strictly about the goal wasn’t fun either. If I knew then what I know now, I would be more focused on the sex than the number.

There are a lot of reasons that the challenge didn’t work out. Lack of planning, a broken pelvis, the worlds worst yeast infection, Leland’s traveling…..I could go on and on, but I know you don’t want to hear about that.

All you really want to hear is that now that I know all of these things we are going to try again.

And we are. Of course we are!

If at first you don’t succeed try, try again.

So as of Saturday, January 22, we are starting over.

We have a position of the day book.

We have a good sex bible.

We have everything we learned in the last year.

And after a long sex break, we will be back in the habit in a few days.

It is Leland's Birthday Today.....

2010-12-29T06:55:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE GREATEST MAN ALIVE!!!!

(Ok, neither of us really think he is the greatest man alive, we just joke about it.)

Though I do think he is pretty awesome most of the time.

Today is Leland’s birthday. He is 30.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LELAND!!!!!!!!!!

He is having a hard time with his whole turning 30 business, so I thought I would come to all of you for help.

Please leave me comments telling Leland about at least one awesome thing about being in your 30’s. And if you aren’t 30 yet, let Leland know what you are looking forward to when you get there.

My Christmas Letter

2010-12-13T10:00:00.000-08:00

I was bored at work last week and I decided to write a holiday letter to include with my Christmas cards. I have never written a holiday letter, and never though I would actually be the holiday letter writing type, but boredom often leads me to doing things that are a little out of character.

And since I haven't done much blogging lately, I thought I would post it for all of you to read. Enjoy!

Well friends and family, it has been a hell of a year.

We are not too sad to see this one go, because like I just said, it has been a hell of a year. But in the season of merriment and joy, and because our lives are oh so interesting, I have decided to give you a top ten list of cool/fun/really-annoying-things-that-we-laugh-about-now that happened in the past year.

Are you ready for it?

Are you sure?

Because it is going to rock your world.

Alyson and Leland’s Top Ten List of Fansmashingtastically Awesome Things That Took Place in 2010:

10. I had a battle with the US Census Bureau. You see, it apparently wasn’t enough for them to count our house once. They had to keep coming back. And calling. So I refused to talk to them, ordered workers off my front porch, gave a ton of wrong information. I am certain that my determination to not be bothered kept census workers in my area working for longer. You know, I did whatever I could to stimulate the economy.

9. Dwight Schrute found a place in our hearts. He is part of the family now. We just cannot live without him.

8. Leland made dreams come true and performed Body Talk by Ratt live onstage for my birthday.

7. We both wrote books that are funny and absolutely ridiculous that everyone should read but will probably never be published.

6. We have discovered our mutual love for bad Channing Tatum movies, which would be all Channing Tatum movies. Who could resist his cheesiness and stupid, brooding look?

5. Leland fell in love with someone else. Actually, he fell in love with two someone else’s. Hall and Oates. He plays and/or sings Kiss on my List at least once a week.

4. I peed on Leland. For real. It was medical advice given to us by Madonna. We were just trying to get rid of a rash. Too bad it didn’t work.

3. We saved a dog from the sad life that is living at a truck stop in Arkansas. Shorty came to us skinny, full of ticks, limping because he had a broken hip, and was the object of target practice and had a bullet in his leg. Now he is overfed, flea and tick free, all fixed up and living with our friend Joe and annoying the hell out of him.

2. I broke my pelvis. Because I rarely do things half-assed, I didn’t just break my pelvis, I broke it in two places. Unable to walk for four weeks, I just lounged on the couch and reignited my love for Boy Meets World.

1. Leland cut the head off a dead squirrel and hung the head from the basketball hoop in our driveway. It was quite the summertime conversation piece. That skull is now sitting in our hallway as part of Leland’s death shrine.

So there you have it. I told you it would rock your world!

Let’s raise a glass and toast to having a fabulous Christmas and a spectacular 2011!

HDH --Fluff Girl Style

2010-12-01T08:36:00.001-08:00

If you want to know what this is about click here.

Remember a long time ago when we first started this adventure and I told you all about Leland’s random boners?

Remember how I told you he gets a ton of random boners every day?

I thought that nine months into the experiment that he would start settling down some. I thought that maybe he wouldn’t be so horny all the time. I thought that having sex would quench his thirst.

Boy was I wrong.

Though are sex life may be boring –it’s just a lot of banging it out and blow jobs –he is never bored. He wants it all the time. I don’t even have to bring out my skills as a fluff girl to get him going. It seems my previous job as a fluff girl was a waste since I don’t have to use it in my relationship.

Yes, you read that right. Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I was a fluff girl.

For those of you who don’t know what a fluff girl is, she is a girl in porn who keeps the men stimulated when they are off camera. She keeps them up so they are ready to plow whenever needed.

Ok, so maybe I wasn’t actually a fluff girl….but I sort of did the same thing…

…but for dogs.

Please don’t call PETA on me. I know the dogs liked it. I was a very good doggie fluff girl.

Are you scared yet? I know this sounds so terrible.

Let me explain. When I was in college I worked at an animal hospital. The doctors I worked with were reproduction specialists so I helped with all sorts of weird things that normal people would never admit to doing all over the internet. But very few people have ever called me normal. The weirdest thing I ever had to do was fluff dogs and then jerk them off.

(I cannot believe I am writing this right now!)

I would drench a towel in some pheromone smelling stuff, tie it around my waist so it was covering my ass, and then I would dance around for the male dog until he was “turned on.” Or as we call it in the animal world “his lipstick was out.” When he was ready to go I would give him a handie and collect the sample.

I can’t believe I just admitted to giving dogs handies. That is all kinds of gross.

Anyboner, Leland is much easier to turn on than most dogs. All I really have to do is walk in the room. Sometimes I don’t even have to do that. I often get texts from him telling me that he is masturbating in the bathroom at work thinking about me. He loves to masturbate at work --I think because it’s his way of fucking his company.

You see? We are having way more sex than anyone else I know and he STILL masturbates all the time. Whenever I complain about his sex drive and tell him he needs to bring it down a notch, he always feels the need to remind me that I created the monster and that his crazy horniness is all my fault.

Maybe this weekend I will actually have to give him a reason to be horny. I think it’s about time I replace the pheromone towel with some sexy heels and give Leland a dance of his own. Don’t worry, you know I will tell you all about that next week!

Thanksgiving Weekend Laziness

2010-11-29T10:15:00.000-08:00

I just had a most spectacular weekend.

For the entire month of November, I have been a busy girl. Or I have been sick. There was little to no time that I spent doing nothing, just relaxing and enjoying time doing whatever the hell I felt like doing. I was in Austin for a quick weekend, which was a ton of fun, but also a pain in the ass as I got sick right after we arrived.

I was sick for a week after we got home. Though all I did when I was sick was sleep all day and night, I don’t really count it as not doing anything. And when I wasn’t sick, I was busy taking care of Leland, who was sick for three weeks this month. Yuck.

I was trying to do NaNoWriMo. I gave it a go, but ultimately failed. I tried pushing myself in the end, but I eventually realized that I just didn’t care if I finished or not. So I decided to stop worrying about making my word count and just wrote as much as I could. I was having a hard time feeling the material, but in the end it made me want to work on the book I wrote for last years NaNoWriMo. It’s a good exercise, but I just didn’t feel like pushing myself to finish this year.

But this past weekend everything came together and Leland and I were both healthy and had nothing planned. We slept in, shagged a lot, went out to dinner once, saw Love and Other Drugs (which is a great movie by the way), hung out with my family for Thanksgiving, drank 12 bottles of champagne, picked out a Christmas tree, decorated the tree and the house, moved the Harley into the dining room, and ate a lot.

Thanksgiving weekend is always my favorite weekend of the year because I purposely make sure to have no other plans except to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. And for the other three days of the weekend I get to relax and enjoy the time with my husband. When I first started blogging I posted a top ten list of reasons Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. But at that point I didn’t have any readers, so here it is again.

Top Ten Reasons Thanksgiving is my Favorite Holiday

10. The four day weekend.
9. Mashed potatoes. They are my favorite kind of potatoes and I love to drown them in gravy.
8. It is the one weekend a year I let myself eat without feeling extremely guilty. I save the guilt for the Monday after.
7. Mimosas. I drink them all day long.
6. Green bean casserole. I just recently discovered that I like it and I can't wait to give myself a big helping.
5. Being lazy in the morning then going over to someone else's house and being lazy there.
4. Watching Leland bond with my dad and brother-in-law.
3. Mom's stuffing. She really should make it more often than once a year.
2. I love watching Santa Claus enter Harold Square in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. Even at 29, this still makes me giddy with delight. I also love watching the Radio City Rockettes.
1. Having everyone I care about crammed into a small house, fighting for places to sit or stand, talking loudly because none of us wait for people to stop talking--we just get louder and louder-- drinking and eating and laughing. And then sleeping in the next day.

I hope everyone had a great weekend as well!

My Blue Spinel

2010-11-09T17:38:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I went to the jewelry store where Leland got my engagement and wedding rings. A very good friend of mine has been bugging me for a long time to get my ring insured, and I figured three years was long enough to wait.

When I stopped in I told them I wanted my ring cleaned and also needed a written appraisal.

"Oh, by the way," I said, "my center stone feels a little loose. Can you check the prongs to make sure it is ok?"

The woman then took out the little eye magnifying thing and started looking at it.

"The prongs are fine but the reason your stone is loose is because it's broken," she said.

I immediately started feeling sick to my stomach. The stone on my wedding ring was broken, and like I just told you, I don't have it insured. The woman could tell I was freaking out so she went and got Tom, the store owner, to talk to me.

When Leland got my engagement ring, Tom broke the first stone when he was sizing the ring. So then he got a new stone super fast. Because of all of the drama surrounding my stone, my ring has become a sort of celebrity in the jewelry store. Everyone knows the story of my blue spinel stone. The spinel I broke was hand picked by Tom in Sri Lanka. I love my stone. I love having an obscure stone that very few people know about. I love how different the spinel looks in different lighting. I love everything about my ring.

I was having a mild panic attack when Tom was talking to me, telling me that the break is so bad that it won't fit correctly in my setting if he cuts it. He said the only thing I can do is get a new stone.

With my head in my hands and tears running down my face I said with a deep breath, "Ok, can you give me a rough estimate on a new stone?"

"Oh, I'll give you a new stone. I stand behind my stones so I'll replace it for you," Tom said.

That's right folks! My jeweler is so wonderful that he is getting a new spinel for my wedding ring for me FOR FREE.

I almost peed my pants when I heard those words come out of his mouth. Then he said he would give me my old stone back and even cut it to fit a different setting for me. Though I am still upset that my original stone is broken, it is so much easier to deal with knowing that I won't have to wait til I save enough money to buy a new one. And I get to keep the old one.

Poetry Slam with the Scholastic Scribe

2010-11-09T08:07:00.000-08:00

Melissa at The Scholastic Scribe is hosting a poetry slam over at her place. I'm not really a poet (you'll see what I mean below) but I though I would join in the for day.

Here is my silly little sonnet* that I just wrote. Really, I wrote it in ten minutes, which is very evident by my silly little rhymes.

If I am remembering my Shakespeare correctly, he didn't name his sonnets, they were titled for the first line of the sonnet. So I guess that would mean the name of my sonnet is A snoring mister kept me up all night.

A snoring mister kept me up all night
Tossing and turning and snoring in bed
The lack of sleep as robbed me of my sprite
My eyes are heavy and itchy and red
though I’m complaining I’m actually fine
I’m worried for Leland who has a bad cold
vacations with a cold sound like a crime
he needs to kick this cellular slime mold
He has taken lots of vitamin C
to prepare for the long flight down south
and enjoy the fun weekend potpourri
hopefully he’ll stop breathing through his mouth
Leland is sick and I am tired
Being healthy is simply required

*This is what happens when I get 1.5 hours of sleep. Please forgive me for making you read this!

Monday Minute...It's All I Can do to Keep Up!

2010-11-08T07:27:00.000-08:00

After a fabulous weekend with Leland, I am sitting at work and trying like hell to be productive but it just isn’t working. All I want to do it go home and continue having fun with my husband. But since I am stuck at work, here’s the Monday Minute from Christy.

1. What’s for dinner tonight?
I have no idea. I will most likely get home from the gym and then whip something up. It will probably include shrimp because that is the only meat I am really enjoying these days (other than my obsession with ribs, but they take too long to make for a weeknight) and maybe some peppers and pasta noodles. Or maybe I’ll make soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.

2. Have you even been stung by a bee or wasp?
I am sure I have, I just don’t really remember.

3. What time do you go to sleep every evening?
During the week I try to be in bed by 10 and sleeping by 11. I do not function well on less than 6 hours of sleep and I always aim to get at least 7. I am a way more pleasant person when I get at least 7 hours of sleep. On the weekends, I go to sleep anywhere between midnight and 2am. I prefer going to sleep as close to midnight as possible.

4. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Mint Chocolate Chip. The green kind. I love the artificial coloring!

5. If you could have one power, what would it be?
To slow down time. Everything goes by so quickly.

It's Hump Day Home Peeps!

2010-11-03T08:36:00.000-07:00

If you want to know what this is about click here.

So, this has been a year of having sex.

Duh.

You already knew that.

Want to learn something that you didn’t know and probably don’t want to know?

We are trying anal.

Yes, I said it. But it was in small, small letters so that means it was a whisper. I am not ready to shout it from the rooftops yet. And I am sure my neighbors are thankful for this. I mean, we have some small people living in our neighborhood and they are too young to know anything about butt sex.

If you want to know how this is going, keep reading. If not, then have a great day and I will see you soon!

After talking about it for a long time, I have decided to give butt stuff a try. I weighed the pros and the cons.

The Pros:
I am in a monogamous relationship
My husband loves me
I trust my husband to be gentle
Leland really wants to give it a go, and since I don’t have hard feelings either way, I thought it would be fair.
It’s a natural laxative and I have been fairly constipated lately.

The Cons:
It will probably be very uncomfortable at first.

Since the pros clearly outweighed the cons, I bent over and stuck my ass in the air.

I have a few girlfriends who sometimes enjoy butt sex so I talked to them first. One friend made sure to point out that you can never have too much lube. Another said to stimulate myself while Leland is working my ass. She said that with extra stimulation I may not notice what is going on in my butt.

We have tried lube, some AnalEase I bought at a sex store and massage oils and I still can’t find a lube that works wonders. The massage oil was definitely the best though. But it still hurt. Leland only had a finger in my ass before I told him to stop.

I’m not giving up though. Next time I will try stimulating myself, or have Leland do extra stuff as well. It didn’t hurt too much that I would never try again, it was just really uncomfortable. The weird thing is that it didn’t hurt when Leland put his finger inside, it hurt the most when he pulled it out. Which is weird, because that is the direction my butthole is used to having stuff travel.

We will be trying again tonight.

And yes, I am still constipated.

A Scary Story -- Repeat Post

2010-10-29T07:43:00.001-07:00

In the spirit of Halloween and all things spooky, I thought I would tell you all a ghost story. I posted this story last year for Halloween, but since I only have one spooky story, I am sharing it with you again.

Leland and I live in a house that was built in the 30’s. It was once a private residence, a nursing home, and then a private residence again that was also a drug house. We figured it would have some sort of interesting history, but since we haven’t done any research, all we know about the house we heard from the neighbors. Other than it being a drug house, none of the history was really bad. Just normal old house stuff.

When we first moved in, I had a couple encounters with what could have possibly been a ghost. Nothing terribly scary, just some things that couldn’t be explained. Though I was weirded out, I really didn’t think much about it. I just went on living and unpacking and trying to get things organized.

From day one, there have constantly been unexplained noises. We thought it was just the house getting used to us. We have often heard stomping noises coming from upstairs even when there was no one up there. These little things really didn’t scare us. If it was a ghost, at least it was just hanging out and not causing problems. We were hopeful that we wouldn’t turn into the next Amityville horror.

Though all of these little things were happening, I wasn’t that convinced that it was some sort of ghost. I believed they were just noises. No big deal.

Until one night I got up to go to the bathroom at 4am. We do not have a bathroom on the second floor of the house, so I had to go to the main floor to pee. Again, no big deal. I do this all the time. This time was a little different though. When I made it down stairs, I heard music coming from somewhere. I looked outside to see if anyone had lights on or was blasting music in their car.

Nope.

I wandered into the kitchen to check the back door. When I got into the kitchen I noticed that the music was getting louder and louder. Like I was getting closer and closer to where the music was coming from. When I made it to the top of my basement stairs, there was no getting around that the music was coming from my house. My basement.

I stood at the top of the stairs for about a minute deciding what to do. I really didn’t want to wake up Leland. I am a tough, hardcore woman and I could handle a little noise. But at the same time, I really didn’t want to be one of those stupid girls in horror flicks who knows she shouldn’t be investigating weird noises by herself but does so anyway.

And ends up getting gutted with a machete.

What’s a girl to do?

I went downstairs.

When I got there, I relaxed. It was just a CD player playing one of Leland’s heavy metal CD’s. I was admittedly a little embarrassed for being so freaked out. It was just a CD player. I laughed at myself and went to turn off the music.

I pressed the stop button and it wouldn’t stop.

I pressed the power button and it wouldn’t turn off.

I went to unplug the damn CD player to find that it wasn’t plugged in.

When I went to take out the batteries I found that there weren’t any.

The music just kept playing and I could not turn the CD player off.

And somehow the CD player was running without any power feeding it.

As fast as I could, I opened the CD player, snatched the CD out of it, ran back upstairs, and got back into bed next to Leland. It was only then that I realized I had never peed and really had to go, but there was no way I was going back downstairs alone.

Hump Day Hangover

2010-10-27T08:12:00.000-07:00

If you want to know what this is about click here.

Things have been fairly emotional and depressing over here lately and it's starting to get to me. Though I am a very emotional person, I am still usually happy and upbeat. But it has been a tough month and it was really getting me down. I can't do that anymore. I am tired of being a Debbie Downer.

I still have not heard from my doctor, but I GOT MY PERIOD YESTERDAY.

I was happy and sad at the same time, if that makes any sense.

I am hoping that now that the stress of the fight I had with Leland has passed, as well as the stress of having a late period, that Leland and I can start having some fun between the sheets again. I am sure this isn't a surprise to any of you, but things have been stale in the shagging department all month. We have been trying as much as possible, but it's hard to have sex with someone you're mad at, and just as hard to have sex when you're stressing about a possible unplanned pregnancy. I don't think either of us was really feeling it.

One good thing that came out of all of this is that I really want sex again. Admittedly I was getting sort of tired of spreading my legs all the time. But since we have had sex only 6 times in the last 3 weeks, I am ready for it again. I am ready to be done fighting with my husband. I am ready to throw all the stupidity out the window. I am ready to have sex a million times a day. I just hope Leland is ready to do the same.

Emotional Mess

2010-10-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

I am sitting at work today and I can't do anything.

I can't do this today.

I am reading blogs but not commenting because I can't think about anything other than what is going on with my uterus.

I had my doctor appointment yesterday and all that really happened was that I decided I need a new doctor. After waiting for an hour to see her, she didn't even read my chart before entering because she had no idea why I peed in a cup.

And then when I told her I was 15 days late, she said nothing. So I asked for orders for a blood test and got the hell out of there.

I had the blood test this morning and I am still waiting on results. I cannot think of anything else. I think I am going to break down and be an emotional mess no matter what the blood test shows. I want a baby. I have always wanted a baby. And though this doesn't seem like the right time, I still want one. And now that I have decided what I really want, I feel like the test is going to come back negative and I am going to be so upset.

But if the test comes back positive I think I might have a minor stroke. We didn't plan for this. We aren't ready financially, we aren't really ready as a couple. I am so torn and conflicted and realize that I don't have a say in anything that is happening right now. Someone or something else will be making this decision for me.

I'm just tired of waiting. I just want to know what is going on. Until then, I can't do anything except sit at my desk, stare at my computer screen and try like hell to hold back the tears.

Monday Minute

2010-10-25T07:00:00.000-07:00

I'm really, really trying to get back to blogging regularly. And since it seems that I will be working in my office more often now, hopefully that means I'll have more time to goof off and get some blogging done!

And now for Christy's Monday Minute:

1. Have you ever been hospitalized?

Only when I broke my pelvis. Damn rollerblades!

2. What was the last bit of good news you received?

Good news? I am hoping for some good news today. I have a doctor appointment and hopefully my doctor will tell me I am not pregnant and there is nothing wrong with my uterus.

3. Who was your favorite teacher?

Mrs. Grady was my 2nd grade teacher. She was the nicest little old lady and let me sit by my best friend, even though we talked all the time.

4. Do you sing in the shower?

Not really, but I do let out moans of plessure. I love the way the really, really hot water feels after a long day.

5. Describe the happiest day of your life.

I have been blessed with thousands of happy days in my life and picking one would be impossible. Of course my wedding day made me so happy, but Leland and I have happy days together all the time. So I'll tell you about Saturday, which was a very happy day for me.

Being a Polish girl, every year my mom and sisters spend a day making pierogies for the holidays and stock pile the freezer. On Saturday Leland and I went to my mom's house and spent the day making pierogies with my mom and two sisters. We all did a lot of talking and laughing. We drank 2 boxes of wine. We ate a ton of pierogies but have several dozen in the freezer waiting for the holidays. It was the first pierogi day that we have had in years without any fighting or bickering among the sisters. We were all happy, we were all having a good time, we were all enjoying each others company.

Late, Late, Late

2010-10-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

It has been a weird couple of weeks. Leland and I got into a big fight on the 9th and I spent all last week angry with him. It was the worst fight we have ever had in our 8 year relationship. It broke my heart. It made me question everything I felt about our marriage. It made me think that maybe love isn’t all we really need. Thinking about it now, it still hurts.

He didn’t cheat, but he was a big, big ass.

We spent all last week talking, which was fucking exhausting.

And I could barely let him look at me so having sex was out of the question.

Things are getting better, but they aren’t back to normal. I want to be back to normal, but I can’t get Leland’s words out of my head. I don’t know that they will ever go away, but maybe one day I will be able to move on and not think about them all the time.

As we have slowly been moving forward to being the awesome couple we once were, so many other things have been stressing me out.

Work, for instance, has been a great source of stress. Mark, the lazy warehouse worker has not been showing up to work. So that means I have to work in the warehouse and try and do all of my work as well. In order to get most of the important things finished, I have been going into work early and staying late. It has not been fun.

And when the bosses told Mark that he needed to come into work or he was going to lose his job, Mark then told them that he is an alcoholic. So now Mark is covered by the law and he can’t be fired until a series of actions take place. Which means I am going to have to deal with lazy Mark for quite a while. This does not make me happy.

The biggest thing stressing me out right now is that my period is 11 days late. I have taken multiple pregnancy tests and they all came out negative. I am glad they are all negative, but why am I not getting my period? For the past few days I have had some cramping that usually indicates I will be starting my period, but there still isn’t anything. As badly as I want a baby, this would be a horrible time for me to be pregnant. My heart just isn’t in it right now and I am praying that my uterus agrees with me.

Please, dear friends, send out some positive vibes into the universe so that I get my period soon. I can’t handle all of this stress.

Happy Hump Day!

2010-10-06T06:16:00.000-07:00

If you want to know what this is about click here.

Leland and I were in bed last night, definitely not sleeping. Since we have been having a ton of sex, our sex takes on different forms from night to night. Sometimes it’s very mechanical sex. This happens when I am so tired and just want to go to sleep, or when we don’t really have time but we want to add another number to the tally. We just go through the motions and get it done as quickly as possible.

Other times it’s hot and steamy. This usually occurs after we have been having mechanical sex for a few days and we need to feel some passion again. We make it last, change positions and by the time we are done we are both out of breath and covered in sweat. It’s gross but awesome at the same time.

Last night we definitely had silly sex.

Leland was going down on me and for some reason I just couldn’t stop talking. First I was asking questions about True Blood, then I was asking for Leland to put a pillow under my ass. We were laughing about how silly we were being, having random conversations while we were having sex.

And then Leland called me a prima donna, because apparently asking for a pillow meant I thought I was like rockstar who would refuse to perform if I didn’t have a bowl of green M&Ms.

When he was done being down in my business, I was ready for some rough shagging. I was all like, Dude, let’s go. You want to know what he said to me?

I’m not a piece of meat, I need to be romanced.

And then we started laughing again and it was all downhill from there. Through the giggles and the stupid jokes we managed to have some coitus. It was not romantic, it was not hot and steamy, it was not mechanical, but it was definitely FUN.

Your Kiss is on My List

2010-10-01T11:56:00.000-07:00

Leland is a metalhead.

Urban Dictionary describes a metalhead as a fan of heavy metal music, who hates the mainstream and generally does whatever the hell he/she wants and is his/her own person
How to identify a metalhead: long hair, black leather jacket, denim jacket often with patches bearing band logos sown in, tshirt bearing a metal band's name, however, these are not necessary, because true metal lies in the soul.

This desctription matches Leland perfectly. He has long hair, he wears a black leather jacket, and he has approximately 4,354,712 band tshirts. And he also does whatever the hell he wants, like listening to Hall & Oates.

That's right folks. Not only does Leland listen to Hall & Oates, he actually dances to them by himself in the kitchen.

Last night as I was making dinner, Leland went to the computer and started playing Kiss On My List. He was smiling and happy and doing quite possibly the most ridiculous dance moves I have ever seen. When I started laughing at him he said, "hold on, I get to do the backups in a second." And then he started singing the backup vocals. But not just singing, he really meant it. My kiss is on his list.

Or actually, John Oates's kiss his on his list, because when I asked him which guy he would do, he said "Oh, John Oates for sure. I just can't get enough of that 'stache."

Yes, we actually have conversations about what guys Leland would go gay for. And apparently John Oates makes the cut.

For your listening pleasure:

I think the song just asks for people to do ridiculous dance moves.

No Bones About It

2010-09-29T09:26:00.000-07:00

For most of the summer, Leland has had a squirrel head hanging from the basketball hoop in our backyard. Though most of you already know, I’ll say it one more time just for shits and giggles: Leland loves dead things.

Last winter he found a dead squirrel in our yard. It was a completely intact dead squirrel until Leland got his hands on it. He just needed to add another skull to his collection, so he cut off the squirrel’s head with his pocket knife, sealed the head in a plastic container, and then put the container in our freezer. He wanted to preserve the head until summer came so the flies and maggots could speed up the decomposition process.

Yes, every time I opened my freezer to get some meat or veggies, I had to look at the squirrel head.

When summer came, Leland took the head out of the freezer and hung it in an old bird feeder to feed to the flies. Every day Leland would check out the decomposition progress. But it wasn’t enough for him to be the only one checking out the progress, he constantly needed me to be looking at it too. He was pumped when the eyeballs went missing and needed to show me the empty eye sockets. Often times he would just say “there are a ton of flies on the squirrel head, you need to come see them.”

Needless to say, it was a long process and one that I didn’t particularly enjoy. Though it was slow going, the squirrel head is now just a skull.

Now Leland will be taking it out of the bird feeder and moving it into the house. His collection of dead things is getting to be too big for the small shelf he keeps it on now. I fear that one day he will have an entire display case of dead things and skulls that he will keep in our dining room. We will be the people who have skulls on display in the DINING ROOM. Because who wouldn’t want to eat with skulls staring at them? We will be that couple. You know, the couple you always whisper about for being so damn weird and you wonder why they just can’t be normal.

Oh well, it was bound to happen some day.

I’ll start clearing off the bookcase in the dining room soon.

It's Not Just About Selling Cookies, It's All About the Life Lessons

2010-09-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

When I was a young girl, I was very active in Girl Scouts.

Truth be told, I was very active in Girl Scouts even when I wasn’t so young. I was actually a Girl Scout until I was 17. (Don't tell anyone. This is a big secret!)

I loved it. Every single minute of it. The meetings, the badges, even selling cookies. Ok, not selling cookies. But I did it anyway. The only reason I wasn’t a nerd in high school is because no one knew I was still a Girl Scout. I was very good at keeping it a secret. Plus, I was a cheerleader and that helped me cover up my nerdy side. Yes, Leland is tagging a cheerleader and a Girl Scout. What a lucky, lucky man!

But being a Girl Scout helped make me who I am today, and had I quit at the appropriate age like most of the girls I know, I would never have learned many valuable lessons.

For instance, it was because of Girl Scouts that I learned to properly slap someone across the face. I don’t mean a girly, light slap. I mean a full hand, open palm bitch slap. Tiffany was my then best friend and we were fighting about something that I can’t remember all these years later. When she slapped me across the face, my reaction was to slap her back. She looked at me and said, “Wow, that didn’t hurt at all. This is how you do it.”

And then she proceeded to teach me to bitch slap someone, and even let me practice on her. That’s what friends are for, right?

I also learned how to sneak out. When I was 15 I went to Central Mexico with a bunch of other GS’s. We stayed at a GS run facility, and every night we would get locked in our dorms. That didn’t stop my friend Angela and I from noticing there was a bathroom window that didn’t close all the way. We snuck out most nights and then broke into the arts and crafts building to work on whatever projects we felt like doing that night. Yes, GS also taught me the fine art of a B&E. Though I snuck out to do arts and crafts. That's not very hard core AT ALL.

On that same trip, I was introduced to tequila. This was the start of my love/hate relationship with tequila. Like Frank the Tank says in Old School, “once it hits your lips it’s so good.” While in Mexico, I sprained my ankle. The doctor I went to put me in a cast and gave me crutches. It was not easy to get around. So while we were on our day trips, Angela and I would head to a cantina and belly up to the bar while everyone else was out sightseeing. Even in a GS uniform we were both still able to order shot after shot of tequila. It was then that I also experienced my first hangover.

I have never had tequila that good again.

I was just going to include learning to smoke weed from Girl Scouts, but then I remembered I learned how to do that at CHURCH.

And We're Back -- Hump Day Hangover

2010-09-08T08:51:00.000-07:00

If you want to know what this is about click here.

Leland gave me some alarming news and stats today. While I was at work and trying very hard to do my job (not really, but it sounds better than trying not to watch the clock), Leland sent me some texts.

The first one said: We have 165 days left (for the challenge) and 532 times to go. That means starting right now we need to have sex 3.25 times a day every single day to reach our goal.

The second one said: And that means 200 days into our adventure we’ve only had sex 168 times.

So basically what Leland said to me is that we are failing. Miserably. And that we REALLY need to get busy.

I refuse to give up and have this be just one more thing that I say I will do and then never follow through with. I guess I just thought that a year is a long time and catching up wouldn’t be a problem. Thank goddess Leland is a realist and pointed out the facts. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex, believe me, I do. The problem is that there isn’t always time. Or I have my period, or Leland is sick, or we have a weekend long wedding and we are never alone. It has come to the point where we need to make time. We need to stop being so social and just lock ourselves in the house for a few weeks.

When we started so many people thought twice a day was a lot. Now we are looking at at least 3 times a day. Good thing I have been eating a lot of yogurt.

Negative Nelly

2010-08-31T07:36:00.000-07:00

Leland and I are in a rut.

And Leland has been sporting a very negative attitude lately and it’s driving me bonkers. Yes, I know we have debt. Yes, I know work is sucking. Yes, I know there are a thousand other things going on that he thinks are a big deal. I just choose to not let it all bring me down. I deal with it one thing at a time and do my best to be a positive person. I know Leland isn’t like that. He has never really been a positive person. And now it’s really starting to irk me. I don’t know what to do about it. When I try to cheer him up, he just gets worse and then it brings me down.

Like last night. When we were loading groceries into the back of the Element Leland noticed that a bag of overnight toiletries had leaked a little onto the car. It’s an Element, the flooring is some sort of plastic, it wipes right off. But Leland couldn’t see that. Instead, he saw a huge mess that would take a ton of time to clean. To him it was the biggest deal in the world. I tried to make him laugh and realize how silly he was being, but it only worked for a second because then he was telling me that he was sure the dog had made some sort of mess in the house and he was ALREADY mad at the dog, even though he didn’t even know if the dog was bad yet.

He was just determined to be in a bad mood.

And has hard as I tried, nothing was working. Instead of cheering him up, he just ended up making me feel shitty.

And he is continuing with it today and I don’t know what to do about it.

Dirtbag Moment in History

2010-08-19T07:04:00.001-07:00

I'm still here. Just trying to keep my head above water at work and at home. I am very tired.

But enough about that. Today I am featured at Speaking From the Crib. I heart Kelly mucho and am so grateful she gave me the opportunity to tell everyone what a dirtbag I can be. In my defense though, the guy I was a dirtbag to was wearing a sweater vest. And he blew in my ear. Is anyone else throwing up a little just thinking about it? Check it out!

What I Have Been Doing Since the Last Time I Posted

2010-08-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

This is the first time I am even logging on to Blogger in nearly two weeks. I have been a busy girl, been out of town, and just plain been out of touch. Here is a list of 5 things I have been doing since I the last time I posted.

1. I ran around a lot without any pants on. Leland and I were camping with some friends and one night I had a bit too much to drink and decided it would be a fabulous idea to go skinny dipping. When I got out of the water I put a tank top on, but for some reason decided to skip the pants. Thank goddess I had a ton of mosquito repellent on or I am sure I would have bug bites all over my ass.

2. I have actually been working while at work. The guy who works in the warehouse has been screwing a ton of stuff up and has basically not been doing his job. So I have been elected to do it for him. On top of my responsibilities I have been doing all of his responsibilities for the last two weeks. When I get home from work I am a very tired girl and can do nothing but sit on the couch in a daze. However, all of the manual labor I have been doing as helped me drop two sizes!

3. I got back on the bike. For the first time since last November and the first time since breaking my pelvis, I got back on the Harley. I was nervous and thought that I forgot how to ride, but it really is like riding a bike. It all came back to me and it felt so good to be riding again!

4. Dealing with drama. When Leland's nephews were visiting at the beginning of July, we took them to band practice at the drummers house. While they were there they spent their time playing video games with the drummer's girlfriend's kids. All was well. Then two weeks after that day, the drummer called Leland saying he and his girlfriend are fairly certain that our nephews stole a Nintendo DS from their house. They haven't seen it since that day.

Not wanting to be the parents who believes that their kids can do nothing wrong, we called Leland's brother and asked him to look into it. The kids weren't with us anymore so there was really very little that we could do. Stealing just didn't seem like something the nephews would do, but we wanted to at least check. When Leland's brother said he searched the kid's room and didn't find the DS, we weren't surprised. However, when we told the drummer that the boys didn't have it, he suggested that they sold it for money. We reminded them that the boys are children, that they don't have access to a post office to mail something, that they are on summer break and don't have friends that they play with at home other than each other. Selling it seemed like a pretty far stretch.

The girlfriend was being very bitchy and accusatory about the whole thing and Leland and I really didn't know how to handle the situation. We don't have kids, we have never been in this situation before. Things were starting to get tense when some Facebook messages started going back and forth (the drummer initiated the FB messaging, emailing and FB is way to passive for Leland and I, we both would have preferred talking) and I was getting really irritated. There was nothing more that we could do. The boys live in Louisiana.

Then finally yesterday Leland got a FB message saying that the drummer found the DS sitting next to his computer. It was there the whole time. No one stole it. No one sold it for money. And no one apologized for treating us badly or accusing the nephews of stealing. But that is probably too much to ask.

5. Watching bad Channing Tatum movies. For some unknown reason, Leland and I watched the last 30 minutes of Step Up some time this weekend. It was horrible and cheesy and made me realize that Channing Tatum really is a bad actor. Yes, I know this was one of his first movies, but he sucked just as badly in G.I. Joe. I haven't seen any of his movies after G.I. Joe because I don't think I can sit through any more of his cheesiness. It is just too much for me. Yes, he is easy on the eyes, but listening to him repeat the crappy dialogue is just too much for me. This being said, I think I am going to get a copy of Teen Beat magazine and add his picture to my wall. Like I said, he is fun to look at and he is a cheesy actor, so he sounds like a perfect fit for my living room wall.

What have you been up to in the past 2 weeks?

I hope you have all been doing well!

Feel Good Friday

2010-07-30T06:29:00.000-07:00

The Girl Next Door’s Feel Good Friday is being hosted by RN Mama this week. Since I have hearts over my head for RN Mama, I just had to play along.

I have a lot of friends. Some of them are scattered around the country, some of them live close. Most of them are guys. Though I am usually always surrounded by people, I only have one girlfriend who lives nearby. Rachel is over at least 2 nights each week. She is a fixture in my house. She is a member of my wolf pack. When I broke my pelvis she sat with me on every one of her days off of work. We have boxed wine nights together which consist of us drinking an entire box of wine, getting shit faced and telling funny stories. She comes over every Sunday for True Blood nights. Yeah, she drives me nuts sometimes, but I love her and am so happy to have her in my life.

On June 1st Rachel left for a three month trip to Greece.

For this whole summer I have been without my sidekick. We were the Gruesome Twosome, the Dynamic Duo. She was always there to get me out of a jam. And for the past two months I’ve had to go it alone.

This doesn’t sound very feel good, does it? Just wait….

Occasionally I would get a mass email she sent to everyone updating people on her whereabouts and adventures. Every once in a while I would get a quick message on FB saying something generic like “miss you!” I didn’t really feel jilted because I know she is an ocean away, but I was sure she didn’t miss me as much as I miss her.

And then yesterday I got an email from her. She needed my advice on something so I sent a reply. This morning I got this back from her:

You are truly my BFF, life partner, and person,
Thank you so much for everything that you said. I needed it so much and I miss you more than you know. And it is the same for me, every time that I get something from you it makes me want to cry (but I don't because I'm like that and always in public) I miss you guys sooooo much. And you had better keep all of the True Blood episodes because I NEED to see them! LOL, and the boxed wine night will be right off the bat! I will have to stop by when I get back in the states! Count on it!
All my love,
Rachel!

See? She does miss me as much as I miss her. And that makes me feel good. It’s good to be missed.

Kirk and Corey, Together Forever

2010-07-29T08:35:00.000-07:00

Last December Leland and I had an 80’s party for my friend Siren’s 30th birthday.

Siren gave me some names of people she wanted me to invite and as I was going over the list I saw that two very important names were missing.

Kirk Cameron and Corey Haim.

I knew we couldn’t have an 80’s party without those honored guests. They just had to be there.

Ebay to the rescue. In just a few minutes I was able to purchase old posters of Kirk and Corey. When the night of the party came, Kirk and Corey were taped up in my living room above the couch.

It is nearly 8 months later and Kirk and Corey are still on the wall in my living room. It just has never occurred to me that I should take them down. They have been the most amazing conversation piece ever and I don’t think I can part with them. In fact, I think I need to add to my collection. Kirk and Corey have been hanging out there for so long that I think they need some new company. I have been considering adding Jonathan Taylor Thomas (JTT as he was known when I was young), and Rider Strong from Boy Meets World. Who else do you think I should add to my collection of childhood heartthrobs that adorns my wall?

For those of you who are interested/wondering/concerned, I will return with regularly scheduled Hump Day Hangover posts next week. I have not forgotten and have not given up, there just haven’t been many awesome stories to post. But I going camping this weekend for 4 days and I am sure that having sex while camping and being dirty, smelly and covered in mosquito repellant will yield some funny events.

Monday Minute with Kmama and Ian

2010-07-26T07:07:00.000-07:00

Today I am linking up with Kmama and Ian at The Daily Dose of Reality for the Monday Minute. Check them out and link up as well!

1. Who is your "what-if" person?
Dave. Friends since 4th grade, Dave was my first love. We were super tight, always there for each other, shared a locker in high school, always had each other's backs. But it seemed the only time he wanted me was when I was in a relationship with someone else. A few months after Leland and I moved in together he asked me to leave Leland and be with him. When I told Leland this all he said was "can you blame him? You're awesome." A month before Leland and I got married Dave and I were slow dancing at another friend's wedding. He told me I was the most beautiful person in the room, he said he loved me and he has always loved me...then he asked me not to get married. I gave him a hug, a kiss on the cheek, and then left to find Leland and go home. Of course I married Leland. There was never any question. When I told Leland what happened he said that he felt sorry for him, but was happy for himself because I was making him the luckiest man in the world. Dave and I are still friends. Leland still likes Dave. But sometimes I wonder what things would have been like if Dave wanted me when I was single and in love with him.

2. What is your nickname?
Well, my name is Alyson but people rarely call me that. I hear Al and Aly more than anything, Leland and Siren call me Alycakes or just Cakes, and sometimes Leland calls me Sweet Pea or Asbestos. Yes, that's right, my husband's nickname for me is a poisonous chemical. That's ok, I sometimes call him Fungi.

3. If you could choose how you died, how would you like to die?
When I am really old, sleeping in Leland's arms.

4. If you could have named yourself, which name would you have picked?
I have no idea. I think I make a very good Al.

5. Who were you named after or for what reason did your parents choose your name?
My middle name is Louise. After my grandmother.

Medical Advice From Leland

2010-07-21T09:09:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago Leland woke up with a nasty rash type thing on his chest. It was red and itchy and just popped up while he was sleeping. The day the rash arrived was also the day that Leland and I were heading out of town to do some hiking and swimming at Devil’s Lake in Wisconsin. Naturally we weren’t going to let a little rash get in the way of the trip. We packed a first-aid kit of random creams and we were on our way.

Leland used an anti-bac cream first. When it wasn’t really helping the itching, I suggested he use the cream that I used for my yeast infection. You see, yeast is a bacteria and I figured that if the rash was caused by some sort of bacteria then the yeast infection cream might be able to help. He alternated between the yeast cream and the anti-bac cream all day, neither of them really helping him at all.

While we were swimming in the lake we were discussing other options. (Yes, I know that water is not good for rashes, but like I said, we weren't going to let the rash ruin our good time). Leland hates seeing doctors, so he wanted to try and treat the rash by himself for 48 hours. But we had to face facts, the creams we brought weren’t working and he needed some relief. So I did what any wife would do.

I peed on him.

Yes, you read that right, I peed on my husband.

Leland once read that Madonna pees on her feet every once in a while to help fight infection and bacteria. Since he read that article years ago, he has been peeing on his feet about once a week. A year ago a friend came to him with a small problem. The friend had a weird rash thingy on his feet and he wanted Leland’s expert medical advice. (Really, skip googling your ailment and just come to Leland. He can totally help you out). Leland told him to pee on it. So his crazy friend obeyed and his rash was gone two days later. Now this friend pees on his feet once a week as well. It seems Leland is converting people.

So naturally Leland would think urine is the answer to the strange rash on his chest. The problem was that he couldn’t pee on it himself. He needed me to do it for him.

As we were swimming in the lake and having a great time people watching, we were considering how we were going to do it. The idea of squatting over him just wasn’t all that appealing. And ladies, we all know that we usually don’t pee in one nice stream, so I was concerned about pee going in his eyes, up his nose or in his mouth. Squatting wasn’t going to cut it. We eventually decided that I would pee in a cup and then pour it over the rash. So that’s what we did.

It wasn’t until much later that night that I realized I didn’t need to be involved at all. Why did I pee in a cup when he could have peed in a cup himself? And did I really need to pour the pee on him in the shower? It seems to me that he could have done it himself. But I did think it was a good idea in the first place, so obviously I wasn’t thinking clearly at all.

p.s. The urine didn’t help. It turns out the strange rash was shingles. It’s a good thing he only waited 48 hours before going to the doctor. And yes, Leland told the doctor everything he put on the outbreak.

It's Wednesday Home Peeps!

2010-07-14T06:05:00.000-07:00

If you want to know what this is about click here.

When Leland and I first embarked on this journey, many of you told me to have fun having sex now, because it becomes so much harder once we have kids. For the past week I have been getting a tiny little taste of what everyone meant.

Leland’s nephews are visiting with us this week. Which is why I haven’t been around at all this past week. They arrived last Wednesday and will be staying until Saturday. Since they have been with us we have only had sex 3 times.

I don’t know how people do it. Maintaining a sex life while there are kids around is so tricky. Maybe it just takes practice. There has been no sex in the middle of the day. There has been no sex in the shower or on the couch. The only time we can do it is at night after the boys are sleeping. And by that time there is a good possibility that Leland and I are sleeping as well.

I don’t know how parents do it. And by “do it,” I mean DO IT.

Really. It is so hard.

Well, actually, IT isn’t HARD at all. Having the boys around has totally deflated Leland’s hard-on. And, if I am being completely honest, it has deflated mine as well. Though I want to have sex, right now it isn’t nearly as important as getting sleep.

Oh sleep. It has been a week since you and I have been close. Please come back to me?

There have been several nights when I have literally begged Leland to have sex with me. By the way, has anyone been keeping track of how much I have had to beg Leland to have sex with me? This is getting out of hand! But anyway, he just couldn’t do it. He has been too worried that the boys would walk in and catch us or that they might hear the tiniest sound coming from our room.

The 3 times we have done it, it has been quite, quick and efficient. And we did it in the dark for the first time EVER. In 8 years, we have never had sex in the dark before this past week. I definitely enjoyed it. It was just new and different and made me feel very sexy.

The boys leave at lunchtime on Saturday. You better believe Leland and I have nothing to do on Sunday but make up for time lost this past week.

p.s. You all know Leland reads this blog, so please don't make any comments about how you never have sex now that you have kids. If Leland reads that, he just may decide to never get me pregnant for fear of losing the nookie. You would be surprised how many times he says "someone left a comment on your blog saying....."

It's Hump Day and You Know What That Means!

2010-06-30T08:08:00.001-07:00

If you want to know what this is about click here.

Remember last week when I told you all I was turning into a guy? Well, let’s not forget that my partner in life and in the sack is a guy. Which means he is never having enough sex. Leland is getting more nookie than any other man I know and he will still complain that he isn’t getting enough.

Not only has this project turned me into a sex craving monster, this project as turned Leland into a beast. AN ACTUAL BEAST. He has started snarling and growling at me in bed, and when we aren’t having sex he’ll snarl and growl at me to let me know he wants some. Sometimes he’ll even howl.

I thought for sure that this project would satisfy him, but apparently that isn’t the case. Instead of wanting it less, or being happy with what he is getting, he simply wants it MORE. Much, much more. Remember all of those random boners I told you that Leland gets? Well, they did subside when I had my injury, but that was only because Leland was too worried about me to think about sex. Now that I am better, the random boners are back with a vengeance. I simply cannot keep up. His inner beast has completely taken over.

At least Leland is a beast-man. Being a beast-man is infinitely cooler than just being a beast.

Now if only I could get him to let out a big scary growl and rip his shirt off before pouncing on me….that would be a hot way to start a romp in the hay.

A Shorty Update

2010-06-28T11:21:00.000-07:00

A few months ago this little guy wandered into our lives:

Having been dealt a horrible hand in his short little life, so many of you helped Leland and I come to his rescue. We raised nearly $900 for his hip surgery. Because of all of you awesome bloggers out there, random friends and family, and some people I have never met before, Shorty was given a second chance.

When we first put him in our car and took him along with us for a ride, he was a quiet, cuddly dog. Though he was playful, he couldn't really do that much playing with a bum hip. After his surgery, everything changed. Though at first he looked like this after the surgery:

he bounced back quickly and was soon running all over the place. Our friend Joe, who has given him a permanent home, picked him up a few days after the surgery. At first Shorty was going to stay with us until his stitches were removed, but it ended up working out for the better that Joe took him when he did. You see, a few days after the surgery was when I broke my pelvis. There was no way Leland was going to be able to handle taking care of two of us who needed constant care!

Shorty LOVES Joe and loves playing and getting into trouble. Now that he is feeling so much better, he has WAY more attitude than he did when we found him. Joe is having fun with him, and I am sure Shorty is having fun with Joe. They have become best buddies. A few weeks ago Leland and I went to Joe's place to visit with him and Shorty. At one point Leland and Joe left to pick up some beer and I was left there with Shorty. Shorty sat and looked out the back sliding glass door the ENTIRE TIME Joe was gone. As soon as he saw Joe pull his truck into the driveway, he starting wagging and whining. He just could not wait to see Joe again.

The doctor says that Shorty is healing well, his muscle is developing at a good rate, and he is basically as good as new. Thank you so much to all of you who helped make this possible. It means more to me than you could ever know.

And I know it means a lot to Shorty.

Check out this post for all of the details on Shorty.

HDH - Better Late Than Never

2010-06-24T06:32:00.000-07:00

If you want to know what this is about click here.

This has been a very long week. My vagina is still irritated and slightly infected so there has been no nookie going on in my life right now. Before this challenge started, going a week without sex would have been fine with me. But now things have changed.

I have turned into a guy.

Now that I am not having sex, all I think about is SEX.

Now that I am not having sex, I am soooooo incredibly moody.

Now that I am not having sex, I literally pout ALL THE TIME.

I am not a fun person right now. My friends are tired of listening to me complain. At first I am sure some of them were glad we had to take another forced break because then they didn't have to listen to me tell them all of our sex stories, but by now I am sure they want me to start getting some again so I can stop whining about needing to get off.

And since I am infected all over my vagina, masturbation isn't really an option either. So instead of having sex I just sit around an mope. Literally. Last night I couldn't think about anything other than having sex and it kept me from doing ANYTHING. I sat on the couch all night just feeling sorry for myself and infected lady parts.

Have you noticed the ticker has moved up only ONCE since I posted about the vag issues? I am so mopey that I don't even want to give blowies. The ticker moved faster when I had my broken pelvis. What the hell is wrong with me? All of the roadblocks are starting to bring me down.

I can't let that happen. There is no more time to spare.

I need to pick myself up, brush myself off and get back on that horse.

PRONTO.

Or I might start acting crazy like walking in circles and talking to myself. I might even develop a weird twitch.

That's Not a Fish, That's a Goldfish Cracker

2010-06-21T10:06:00.000-07:00

I can't seem to get my shit together to post on Mondays. I try, I really do, but something always happens and I either don't get it done, or you get a lame post like this one.

This time, my weekend was WAY TOO AWESOME to even think about what I was going to post yesterday. I spent Friday night, Saturday and Sunday enjoying the weather and making every moment of the summer count.

To recap, because I know you all are DYING to know:

Friday night: We had some awesome thunderstorms rolling through my town, so Leland and I, along with some very good friends of ours Double C and Zizzo, sat in our garage and watched the lightning shoot across the sky. For a good half hour the lightning and thunder was right on top of us which gave us an amazing show to watch.

Saturday: We woke up early because I was supposed to watch my nephew participate in a fun run at our local park. However, even though I got there before the start of the race, I still wasn't allowed in. So I went home, picked up Leland, and we went fishing with Double C and Zizzo.

We have taken Bacchus fishing with us several times, and USUALLY he is super calm and just hangs out. This time was different. During the very first cast of the morning, Bacchus jumped into the creek and chased after the line. Even though we were all yelling at him to come to shore, he got caught in the strong current and was taken downstream.

I started running along the bank of the creek to try and catch up with him. Why I thought it was a good idea for ME to run along a rocky and uneven creek bank, I have no idea. I am sure you all know where this is going.

Because I was very worried about my dog, I wasn't really paying attention to where my feet were landing. So OF COURSE my right foot lands in a mud hole and the entire right side of my body goes down along with it. Because that is the kind of thing that happens to me. But don't worry. Other than losing my shoe and my cell phone to the mud hole, I am just fine.

And of course Bacchus came back to us JUST AFTER I fell down.

I spent the rest of the morning fishing barefoot and having a great time with my friends. When we were tired of not catching anything, we decided to go swimming. We packed everything up and then spent the next 5 hours swimming at another friend's house. We drank a lot of beer, played some pool noodle baseball and we all got sunburned. We capped the night off with a bonfire.

Sunday: Leland and I bought my dad a fishing license for Father's Day, so we spent the morning checking out some local fishing spots with my dad. It was another HOT and sunny day but we loaded on the sunscreen and enjoyed fishing with my dad. We caught some little blue gills that we tossed back but had a good time fishing nonetheless. This time we kept Bacchus on a leash so he couldn't chase after the lines. The leash was long enough for him to get in the water to cool off, but he wasn't able to go far into the lake. Maybe it was his splashing around the shore that kept us from catching fish.

Our weekend came to an end with a dinner at my parent's house and then watching True Blood. Now it is Tuesday and I am at work, daydreaming about hooking a worm and casting a line.

Another TMI Post--I Know You Love These!

2010-06-18T06:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I spent my lunch break at the gynocologist.

(Yes, this is a warning. If you do not want to know about what is going on with my vagina, stop reading now).

A few days ago, after my period had stopped, I couldn't help but notice I was having an excessive amount of clear discharge. There was so much discharge that it was like I was peeing my pants every hour. As hard as I tried to keep myself clean and dry, I was losing the battle. My nether regions were a mess. No stranger to yeast infections, I knew something was wrong. But it didn't seem like I had a yeast infection. The symptoms were different than what I am used to.

So I call the doctor and made an appointment.

I see the nurse practitioner, and after the whole Alyson-has-a-ripped-vagina fiasco, I became super comfortable with her and talk to her the way I talk to all of you: like she is my best friend and REALLY WANTS to know every detail of my life.

First she asks if I have any pelvic pain. "Well actually...", I said, and then launched into the details of the last 8 weeks.

Then she asks what has changed in my life that could have caused the issues.

She asked if I have a new partner. Nope that's not it.
She asked if I have been using new condoms. That's not it either.
She asked if I have been on any medications. Sorry, nothings different.

It wasn't until my feet were in the stirrups and I was scootching my vagina closer to her that I FINALLY realized what was different.

"Oh yeah! I know what's different! I have been having an insane amount of sex lately!"

"Define insane," she said.

So of course I had to tell her about the challenge.

She didn't quite know what to say. So I told her how it is making my relationship with Leland better. I told her how we are using sex as exercise. I told her that I am writing a book about it.

"Those are all good reasons to have a lot of sex, but there is one reason why you shouldn't be having that much sex," she said. "The womam's body wasn't built to have that much sex."

Unlike men, women have problems. Having sex can lead to UTI's, bladder infections, yeast infections, bacterial infections....

Men have it easy. They just pull their pole out and do the deed. Women have to deal with all the issues. My doctor said that if I want to TRY to avoid problems in the future, that I need to take a shower immediately after each time I have sex. And I have to make sure I pee immediately after each time I have sex. The whole rolling over and going to sleep thing is not an option for me anymore.

So I left the doctor learning that I have a bacterial infection inside my vagina, and a yeast infection on the outside that has actually spread to my butthole. That's right people. I have a yeast infection on my butthole.

And Leland thought he was done taking care of me! What a fool. Now he has to put ointment all over my area twice a day. I know he looks forward to it. I mean, why would he not? I get to put my yeast infection parts up in his face for him to take care of. He is such a lucky man.

Even all of this has not made me change my mind about going for the challenge. If anything, I am more determined than ever. Besides, this is all great material for the book!

HDH 17 - A Guest Blogger

2010-06-16T04:53:00.000-07:00

If you want to know what this is about click here.

Tracie from Stir Fry Awesomeness is hanging out today. I know most of you know her and that makes me happy because she is fansmashingtastic. She never fails to make me laugh and since she thinks sarcasm is an art form, I must say she is quite the artist. Please read and enjoy!

*Before you read this post please be aware that in my neck of the woods we don't pronounce the "L" sound in caulk. This will be much more amusing if you do the same whilst reading.*

You know that my husband is too busy working to do manual labor. Therefore, I have had all manner of skilled (and unskilled) tradesmen sprucing up Casa de la Awesome.

I could do a series of posts on each one as they were all “characters”. (Remember the weirdo magnet?) And most of them have been talkers. (Like my kids on crack.)

Gary The Painter was no exception. He was hired to paint the downstairs bathroom, the stairway and half of the family room.

“Why only half of the family room?” the curious reader might ask.

Because Hubs started to paint it 2 years ago and he never finished. Six months of nagging and nookie were required for the first half to get done.

Gary had more issues than the New Yorker. One of them was his troubled love life. According to Gary, the women he met were only interested in money and sex.

(Could they have been hookers?)

Anyho, the entire time Gary painted he talked to me. It didn't matter if I was upstairs and he was downstairs, he continued his little therapy session.

(Perhaps HE should have paid ME?)

Eventually Gary deduced that Casa de la Notso Awesome needed many, many repairs and that Hubs was never going to do them. Then he became even more friendly and enthusiastic about his job.

First, Gary tried to convince me that he and a buddy could do the master bathroom re-model because he knew how to put up drywall.

(I was fairly certain that there was more to a bathroom remodel than drywall. But thanks, anyway.)

So Gary fell back on his forte - painting. He tried to talk me into hiring him to repaint all the trim and molding in the house. He was racing around pointing out all the imperfections and improper techniques that had been used.

Gary’s biggest pet peeve?

Caulk.

Here are some direct quotes from him:

“See here. This shoulda had some caulk on it right off the bat.”

“Look at this. The caulk’s not wide enough.”

“There are different sizes of caulk. You have to have the right size for each area.”

“Caulk comes in different colors, too.”

Are you saying "That’s What She Said" after each of these?

In the end, Gary was a lousy painter. So I sent him on his way after the original job was completed.

But he did leave me with some parting words of wisdom which I feel compelled to pass along to all my bloggy buddies. Consider it my gift to the Blogosphere.

"Always remember, wherever there’s a crack, you need caulk."

Weekend Babble

2010-06-14T06:30:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was the first weekend in MONTHS that Leland and I had nothing to do. Usually the weekends mean doing yardwork, seeing family and friends, parties, running a million errands, band practice, going out to see Leland's band play...and a whole bunch of other things. This weekend we had no plans.

Well, we had some plans, but nothing that required us to leave our house.

For the most part, we just sat around all weekend. Saturday morning we took a bike ride, but I was only able to last for about a half hour because I am still rebuilding muscle in my right leg. We were home by 10:30 and after that we sat around, had some sex and then watched a ton of episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. We were uber lazy.

Sunday was the same way. Other than taking a walk to my parents house, which was 1.35 miles, we didn't do anything else except watch some It's Always Sunny episodes and watch True Blood. We spent most of the weekend just hanging out with each other.

Though we were really looking forward to the weekend so we could relax and just spend time with each other, it felt a little weird. We usually don't spend so much time inside, but the rain didn't really allow us to do anything else. We don't usually have so much one on one time, and though it was great, it still felt weird not to see other people on the weekend. And though I feel so well rested and didn't screw up my sleeping pattern, I still feel a little underwhelmed by the weekend.

Summer is short and Leland and I want to take advantage of every minute possible. I think I just need to remember that if I am going to enjoy the summer, I still need to be well rested and have time to relax. It was just weird relaxing that much. It's been awhile since either one of us have been able to do that. I guess it'll just take some getting used to.

Speaking of True Blood, did anyone see the season premiere last night? There were quite a few funny parts. I cannot wait to see what unfolds this season. The vampires of True Blood are infinitely cooler than other vampires that are on TV or in movies right now. If you are on a vampire kick, you should check it out.

Great for Groceries, Beach Items, or Even Human Heads

2010-06-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

I was contacted via email by Simply Bags about posting a product review. I have never done a product review before, but I liked the product and was excited about getting something for free. So I said yes.

A few days later, this came in the mail for me.

The bag I got was green, and of course my name isn't Jennifer, but you get the idea....

I got a lovely green tote bag that was embroidered with the name Yankee Girl on it. When I first saw it online, I thought it was cute, but wasn’t really in love with it. But then it showed up on my doorstep and I was giddy with delight. You see, this tote bag is WAY COOLER in person. The colors are so bright and the bag is at least twice as big as I expected it to be. When Leland saw it, the first thing he said was “you can fit at least four human heads in that bag!”

Yes. Leland measures bags by how many human heads he can fit in it.

If you don't want to carry heads in your bag, it would make a great beach bag. It's canvas, so sand will be easy to remove. And you'll be less likely to mix it up with a strangers bag since it has your name on it.

Eager to show off my new bag, I used it when we went to my parent’s house for dinner. We had a ton of things to bring back to them, like empty wine bottles (my dad makes his own wine so we always reuse the bottles), a bowl that belonged to my mom that had just parked itself on my kitchen counter for weeks, and an appetizer that we brought over. The bag was HEAVY.

But the bag didn’t care. It didn’t feel the pressure at all. It stayed calm and cool and just carried the heavy load without complaining. The thick rope handles didn’t even buckle. The bottom didn’t look like it was going to fall out. Not only is the bag super cute and has room for four human heads, it is strong and sturdy and can carry a lot of weight.

So leave it in your car and use it when you are grocery shopping. You can pack a ton of groceries into the bag. Using the Tote Bag is a great way to go green.

June 7, 1981

2010-06-07T16:08:00.001-07:00

That is the day I was born. Which makes today my birthday. I am 29.

I am going out for sushi in a few minutes and then will come home and have at least one glass of wine.

I could write a long, overly emotional post about what getting older means, but instead I am going to keep it short. I am 29. I have one more year of being in my 20's and I have every intention of making this next year to be as awesome as possible.

HDH - 15

2010-06-02T08:49:00.000-07:00

If you want to know what this is about click here.

Last week Leland and I had a lot of really bad sex.

Let me back up.

Last week Leland and I were crazy busy. After working all day, we would come home and work til about 9 around the house. After that we would shower and go to bed. He still had energy to do whatever he wanted, but I was very sore every single night, so when I got into bed I just wanted to go to sleep. Seeing that I wasn't satifying Leland's needs, I decided it would be a good idea to put out. And since it had been days since we had done it, I figured it was about time we got back into the swing of things.

So instead of going to sleep after my shower, I laid on the bed naked, waiting for Leland to finish his shower. As soon as he saw me naked he knew exactly what was going to happen. The problem is we just couldn't figure out how to do it. My pelvis hurt too much to be on top. I was so sore that even spreading my legs was difficult. We tried to 69 but that wasn't working either. Missionary was out of the question because I was too sore to try and lift my pelvis up. So we fumbled around for a while, trying to make it happen. Eventually we realized it wasn't going to happen so I gave Leland a blowie and called it a night. Even giving a blowie was problematic.

When it was over, we laid next to each other, not saying anything. I knew he was thinking the same thing I was, which was I AM SICK AND TIRED OF HAVING BAD SEX! After laying in silence for quite a long time, Leland asked what I was thinking. So I told him. And then he agreed. We didn't have sex for five days after that.

Don't worry though, we had sex 8 times on Monday and every time was great.

A Memorial

2010-05-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

My husband, Leland Sage, was named after his uncle who served as a Lieutenant in the Vietnam War. He thinks of him from time to time, despite the fact he never met him. He has a POW-MIA tattoo in his honor. Please read on and know his story.

SAGE, LELAND CHARLES COOK
Name: Leland Charles Cook Sage
Rank/Branch: Lieutenant/US Navy

Unit: Attack Squadron 144
USS Bon Homme Richard (CVA-31)

Date of Birth: 23 December 1943 (Chicago, IL)

Home of Record: Waukegan, IL

Date of Loss: 23 June 1969

Country of Loss: Laos

Loss Coordinates: 171759N 1054359E (WE779127)
Click coordinates to view maps

Status in 1973: Killed/Body Not Recovered

Category: 3

Aircraft/Vehicle/Ground: A4E "Skyhawk

Other Personnel in Incident: (none missing)

REMARKS:

SYNOPSIS: The Douglas A4 Skyhawk was a single-seat light attack jet flown by both land-based and carrier squadrons, and was the US Navy's standard light attack aircraft at the outset of the war. It was the only carrier-based aircraft that did not have folding wings as well as the only one which required a ladder for the pilot to enter/exit the cockpit. The Skyhawk was used to fly a wide range of missions throughout Southeast Asia including close air support to American troops on the ground in South Vietnam. Flying from a carrier was dangerous and as many aircraft were lost in "operational incidents" as in combat.

On 23 June 1969, Lt. Leland C. C. Sage, pilot; launched from the deck of the USS Bon Homme Richard in a flight of A4E aircraft on a night combat mission against enemy activity in the rugged, jungle covered mountains approximately 7 miles northwest of Ban Thapachon and 21 miles southwest of the Lao/North Vietnamese border, Khammouan Province, Laos.

This area of eastern Laos was considered a major artery of the infamous Ho Chi Minh Trail. When North Vietnam began to increase its military strength in South Vietnam, NVA and Viet Cong troops again intruded on neutral Laos for sanctuary, as the Viet Minh had done during the war with the French some years before. This border road was used by the Communists to transport weapons, supplies and troops from North Vietnam into South Vietnam, and was frequently no more than a path cut through the jungle covered mountains. US forces used all assets available to them to stop this flow of men and supplies from moving south into the war zone.

Once the flight arrived in the mission area, Lt. Sage contacted the on site Forward Air Controller (FAC) for target assignment. The flight was cleared in to attack an enemy target and, after rolling in over his target, Leland Sage's aircraft was observed to impact the ground and explode. No rocket explosion from the ejection seat was seen, nor any other evidence of ejection. It was believed that the verified anti-aircraft artillery (AAA) fire directed at the Skyhawks was the cause of the aircraft loss. Aerial search and rescue (SAR) efforts were immediately initiated, but no further communication could be established with the downed pilot. The intense enemy activity in the area precluded a ground search of the area for Leland Sage. At the time search efforts were terminated, Leland Sage was listed Killed in Action/Body Not Recovered.

Lt. Sage is among nearly 600 Americans who disappeared in Laos. Many of these men were known to be alive on the ground. The Laotians admitted holding "tens of tens" of American Prisoners of War, but these men were never negotiated for either by direct negotiation between our countries or through the Paris Peace Accords which ended the War in Vietnam since Laos was not a party to that agreement.

While the Navy believed Leland Sage died in the crash of his Skyhawk, he has the right to have his remains returned to his family, friend and country. For other Americans who remain unaccounted for in Southeast Asia, their fate could be quite different.

Since the end of the Vietnam War well over 21,000 reports of American prisoners, missing and otherwise unaccounted for have been received by our government. Many of these reports document LIVE American Prisoners of War remaining captive throughout Southeast Asia TODAY.

American military men in Vietnam and Laos were call upon to fly and fight in many dangerous circumstances, and they were prepared to be wounded, killed or captured. It Probably never occurred to them that they could be abandoned by the country they so proudly served.

HDH - 14

2010-05-26T08:01:00.001-07:00

If you want to know what this is about click here.

When Leland and I bought our house 5 years ago, the home inspector told us that the existing central A/C unit worked just fine. A few days after we moved in the temperature hit over 90 degrees. No worries, we thought, we’ll just turn on the super convenient central air. It only took us an hour to realize that it wasn’t working. After calling someone to come and look at it, we got a quote for nearly $4000.00 to have it fixed. Apparently it wasn’t just broken, it was shot. There would be no saving it.

So we haven’t replaced it. For the past 5 summers we have sweltered in the heat, taken cold showers and brought ice cubes to bed. Naturally though, we were WAY too hot to even think about touching each other. When it was over 85 degrees sex was something that we never even considered. Now we just can’t afford to not be having sex.

We just installed a window A/C unit in our bedroom. Now we can actually sleep without waking up covered in our sweat. AND it is actually possible to do other things in our bed aside from sleeping. Like shagging. Lots and lots of shagging. Since the rest of the house is hotter than ever, I expect that we will want to spend a lot of time in our bedroom. And you all know what that means.

Random Stuff

2010-05-25T10:29:00.000-07:00

I am back to work. I have been at work for the last week and a half, and though I am glad to be making money again, work is driving me nuts. Remember when I was so anxious to get back to work? What the hell was I thinking? It seems that in the time I was out, the entire work environment has changed. Aside from my boss who I rarely ever see anymore, the people I work with used to be so easy to get along with. Now it seems that everyone is bitchy and moody and now it is almost uncomfortable to be at work. I never know who is going to have an attitude one day and who isn't. I am minding my own business and getting my work done, but work was much more enjoyable when everyone was getting along. Now I feel like I just don't fit in anymore.

***

Summer has come to Chicago and we have been having 90 degree days. The sun is shining and all I want to do is go to a beach and swim. But instead Leland and I have been doing yard/house work. We spent last weekend powerwashing and sealing our deck. Usually we put off all house/yard work until the last possible minute, but we have been trying to change that. So we decided to do the deck work when it was a million degrees outside. Now that it is all done, the deck looks great.

***

My pelvis is feeling great and I almost have no pain whatsoever. Occassionally I'll get a little sore near the end of the day, but for the most part I am walking normally, can do some lower body exercises, and can go up and down stairs without any pain. This makes me all kinds of happy. Now that I am nearly back to normal I am working on being a productive human being again. My goal is to do one thing every day that makes me feel good about myself. Yesterday I did house work, and though I don't like it, I was glad to be able to help Leland around the house again. Today I plan on doing some more house work and also do some writing. Hopefully all of the little things will help to make a big difference in my attitude. Because I am a happy person. And even though I am surrounded by miserable people while I am at work, I really don't want to join their club.

Hump Day Hangover 13--I Day Late

2010-05-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

If you want to know what this is about click here.

Apparently I can't keep track of the days anymore. Because we haven't been having a lot of sex for the past month, I really haven't had much to write about on this topic. Leland keeps telling me that we should stop trying to reach 700, that it is an impossible goal, but I refuse to give up.

Especially after last night.

Remember when I thought having shower sex was impossible? Well we finally figured out how to do it. I think that if we can figure out shower sex then we will somehow be able to figure out how to reach 700. Besides, I have quit to many things in my life, or said I would do things and never do them and I don't want this to be one of those instances.

I am not giving up.

Since I have been sitting around for the last month, I really need the exercise. Yesterday's shower sex was a great mini workout. I had to stand on my toes and use my arms to brace myself so I wouldn't fall forward. By the time we were done both my legs and my arms were sore from using my muscles. It felt great and the soreness I feel this morning is a nice reminder of what it was like when I was actually able to workout.

So the ticker is moving slowly, but at least it is still moving. And it will keep moving until you all see a big 700 on the ticker. We started this as a way to lose weight and now I need to lose the weight more than ever. It seems like the perfect thing to keep doing to help me look better and feel better about myself.

My Last Pelvis Post

2010-05-18T17:01:00.000-07:00

Having a broken pelvis has really screwed up my life. Though I am feeling better and have been back to work this week, I still can't seemed to get things to go back to normal. So since I have been sitting on my couch, drinking a glass of wine and having a private pity party, I have decided to share with you all of the reasons having a broken pelvis SUCKS.

1. I hate not being able to take care of myself. When I was first injured I actually needed Leland to wipe me when I peed. It was a good thing that I didn't poop until 4 days after the injury because I was able to wipe my own ass. Sort of. I doubt it got very clean though.

2. I couldn't even take a shower by myself. I had to sit on a folding chair and Leland had to bathe me. When I took my first solo shower while standing Leland and I did a celebratory shot. Of course we waited till I was comfortably on the couch before we started drinking.

3. I missed 4 weeks of work. The doctor told me that a pelvis can take 6-8 weeks to heal. Lucky for me I am a medical anomaly and healed in just 4. But I still missed 4 weeks of work and have barely paid any bills this month. Now I have to catch up on paying my bills AND figure out a way to pay my medical bills. AWESOME.

4. I am getting more soft around the middle than I usually am. The very day I broke my pelvis I bought a new pair of jeans that are a size smaller than I usually wear. (high fives for me). Then I had to sit on my ass for four weeks and I am noticeably larger than I was before the accident. My smaller jeans still fit, and in fact they are a little loose, but my belly is definitely bigger. This does not make me happy.

5. Standing for long periods of time is still difficult. Today I stood for 3 1/2 hours at work. By the beginning of hour number 2 my entire body hurt. My feet were sore, my legs we aching and my pelvic area was on fire. When I got in my car to go home I melted into the seat of my car like it was the first time I sat in WEEKS.

6. It sucks feeling like I am not a productive member of society. Yes I am working again, but when I get home I have no energy to help Leland out around the house. He is like a single mother. He has to take care of me, take care of himself and the dog. He cooks, he cleans, he does the laundry. He mows the lawn and cleans up the dog poop. And he still goes to work and band practice. He does all of this with minimal complaining. I just wish that I can help to make things easier for him.

7. I feel like I have lost myself a little. I used to have so much energy. I used to want to write all the time. I used to be a better blogger. Now I only have energy to refill my wine glass and walk back to the couch. I wonder what happened to the spitfire I used to be. And I want to have her back. I am the most impatient person in the world and waiting to heal is the hardest thing I have ever done. I hope like hell that when I am all well and can workout again and have energy to do everything I used to do that the person I was will return. Minus the rollerblades, of course.

Hump Day Hangover 12

2010-05-12T10:59:00.001-07:00

If you want to know what this is about click here.

Last night I went over to dinner at Jen from The Battle Book's house. She is back in the US after being in Germany for 3 years. At least I think it was 3 years. Anyway, we were having some beers and catching up and talking about everything. After a little while, two other girlfriends showed up. And these days, whenever I am in a room with girls, the topic of sex is bound to come up.

We talked about my new appreciation for 69. It makes having a trifecta so much easier and saves time (we need to be as efficient as possible). We talked about our sex drives, we talked about the sex drives of the men in our lives. What I heard from the other two women surprised me. For the sake of privacy, I'll call them Nutmeg and Ginger (I was just looking up a recipe for carrot cake and now all I can think about is nutmeg and ginger). Nutmeg and Ginger are both in their mid 20's, they are both in committed, long-term relationships and neither of them want to have sex.

This blew my mind until I remembered how I was last summer. I never put out. Looking back, I don't really know why I kept my legs closed. I tried telling Nutmeg and Ginger that I was the same way once, but that having a ton of sex just makes me want to have more sex. I told them that I am starting to turn into a guy. If I don't get enough sex I get moody, I can't think straight, it becomes difficult to function at all. I told them how not having sex made Leland feel, I told them how it put a huge strain on our relationship. Nothing seemed to matter.

I realize I am not going to be able to change people's minds about sex. And I'm not really trying to do that. I guess I was just trying to understand where they were coming from so maybe I could figure out what my problem was last summer. I think I had some sort of mental block or something.

I am not saying that the no sex thing is Nutmeg's and Ginger's fault alone. I learned too much last night to know that isn't the case. Nutmeg doesn't like 69 because her man gets off first and then never finishes her off. Ginger said her man puts the moves on by dry humping her leg, which she sees has a huge turnoff. And when they do have sex, her man wants to talk about it for hours afterwards, making sure she had a good enough time. In these instances, I don't blame them for not being in the mood to shag. And if Leland was the same way there would be no way in hell that I would 69 or even consider putting out 700 times in one year.

I know Leland isn't the only guy out there who wants to please his woman, so why aren't more men doing it? We all know plenty of men who only think with their dicks, but why do they have to be dicks about the way they treat their woman in the bedroom? And maybe if they were more attentive to what their woman wants they would be getting laid more often, instead of just being stuck humping a bedpost.

And is male maturity in the bedroom something that comes with age? Or is it something that women need to teach their men? Please help me, not necessarily for my sake, but for Nutmeg and Ginger. Because no one should have such negative experiences with sex.

My Home Town

2010-05-11T07:25:00.000-07:00

I have lived in the same town my entire life. Though I desperately want to move away and experience living in a completely different place, I love my town. I live in Woodstock, IL and it is the most charming small town I have ever seen.

Woodstock has a town square that looks like it is something out of the movies. The buildings surrounding the square are old, brick buildings. The shops inside them range from antiques to books to modern home decor. We even have a movie theater that plays new movies for only $5. The matinees are $4. The even hand out punch cards. Buy 7 movies and the 8th one is free.

I have always lived within walking distance of the Woodstock Square. Growing up, my sisters and I would often walk to the Square in the summer and spend whatever money we had at the local candy store. By the time we made it home, we had stomach aches and sugar highs.

When Leland and I bought our house, we looked for something within walking distance of the Square. Now I live even closer than I did while I was growing up. During the summer, Leland and I spend our Saturday mornings taking Bacchus for a walk to the farmers market that is on the Square. We'll stop at Starbucks and then buy fresh vegetables and yummy meats and cheeses. On Sundays we may walk back to the Square and have breakfast at our favorite restaurant in town, La Petite Creperie.

The Woodstock Square holds so many of my childhood and adult memories. I remember walking in the Christmas parade around the Square when I was a Girl Scout. The Homecoming parades always did a loop around the Square. I remember chasing fireflies with my sisters during the weekly orchestra concerts in the summer. Leland and I had our first kiss on the Square. It is where we got engaged and where we got married.

It is a rare day when I walk down a local street and do not run into someone I know. And even the people I don't know aren't strangers. When I fell and broke my pelvis, two women I had never met before were there to help me out. And then a third one came along to look for Leland. When Bacchus ran away last spring, a very nice woman did her best to take care of him until we made it to her house to pick him up.

As I was writing this, a census worker came to my house and it was actually someone I used to babysit for. Aren't small towns the best? (insert sarcasm)

Anyway, I love Woodstock. My parents and older sister are a five minute drive away. My younger sister is a five minute walk. It is my home and I love it here.

Most of the time.

Top Blog of the Week!

2010-05-07T10:40:00.001-07:00

I am hanging out today at Speaking From the Crib where the awesomest Kelly has named me the top blog of the week!

Please click on the link above and give her a visit!

Kelly is a great blogger and a really good friend. Check out her blog and leave her some love, and follow if you aren't already!

Now I have to go and try to continue dealing with trying to get some disability benefits. I really cannot afford to be out of work for six weeks without any money coming in. I just got off the phone with the Social Security Administration to find that they will not be able to help me at all. Which I find very interesting because I pay into my social security account every week when I get paid. So technically isn't that money mine? I guess not. Apparently I need to be out of work for a year before I can see any of those benefits. This is not making me happy and I really have no idea what to do now. Hopefully the internet will point me in the right direction.

Hump Day Hangover 11

2010-05-05T07:56:00.001-07:00

If you want to know what this is about click here.

Although the doctor said I could have sex at any time, I was in way too much pain during the first week after I broke my pelvis to even consider having sex. Plus, showering with a broken pelvis was extremely difficult, so I wasn't the freshest person on the planet either. I think I gave Leland one blow job during that week, just to keep him from getting cranky.

Last week I was feeling a lot better and I really needed to get laid. When I told Leland I was ready to fool around, I thought he would be pumped. Instead he told me no. He was still afraid that he would hurt me and didn't want to cause me additional pain or keep me from healing as fast as I should. After literally begging and pleading (I am sure Leland loved having me beg him for sex!) he agreed to give it a try. The only problem with this is that I needed to have a bed to have sex.

Since our bedroom is upstairs, I had been sleeping on the couch. Going up stairs was impossible right after the injury. And though we have had sex on our couch too many times to count, having a broken pelvis was very limiting. I needed a bed so I could lay down and have room to spread my legs. We decided that since I was feeling better maybe going upstairs wouldn't be so difficult anymore.

So I went upstairs. At first I tried to get upstairs on my crutches, but I have the worst sense of balance and it wasn't really working out for me. Not wanting to give up, I scooted up the stairs on my butt. A good 15 minutes later I was finally in our bedroom. When I made it to the bed, I collapsed, exhausted. But I still wanted to have sex. I had made it that far and I wasn't giving up.

A mere 30 seconds later, I realized I really had to pee. We don't have a bathroom upstairs. I tried to ignore it, but it just wasn't working. It turned into one of those moments when I had to pee RIGHT NOW. So Leland got me off the bed and helped me back downstairs. Going downstairs was a lot easier than going up and I think I made it downstairs in just under 10 minutes.

While I was sitting on the toilet peeing, Leland and I realized that we really didn't think the whole lets-go-upstairs-and-have-sex thing through. It was at that moment that we admitted defeat and we decided sex was going to have to wait a little longer.

Back in the Habit with Monday Minute.

2010-05-03T06:26:00.000-07:00

I have been on hiatus for a while and am trying to get back in the swing of things. Since I have been broken and have been at home for the past two weeks, nothing all that interesting is happening with me. Since I want to start blogging again, I figured the easiest way to do that was to play along with Ian at The Daily Dose of Reality with his Monday Minute.

Here goes:

1 - How much would you have to be paid to eat a human cadaver's finger?

$30,000. I figure that would pay off my medical bills, student loans and all other debt except for my mortgage. I would eat a human finger to be debt free.

2 - Describe the worst physical fight you've ever been in.

I haven't really been in any fights. I have punched people plenty of times, but I was mostly defending myself from guys who thought they could touch any part of me that they wanted. They weren't really fights.

3 - Name one song that if you never heard it ever again, you'd be thrilled.

Anything by Miley Cyrus. When did she leave Disney Radio and infiltrate my regular radio stations?

4 - Describe the "drunkest" situation you've ever been.

A few years ago Leland and I went to Rocklahoma, a four day 80's hair band festival. We saw White Lion, Dokken, Skid Row, Warrant and Twisted Sister just to name a few. Anyway, there is something about 80's metal that makes me want to drink. And drink and drink and drink. I remember being out in the parking lot doing beer bongs with total strangers who had just become my best friends. The next thing I knew I was waking up in the car on the way back to the hotel. Apparently I passed out in the parking lot next to the car...only after flashing for the Howard Stern film crew and signing a release form that allowed them to use the footage.

5 - What's your biggest regret?

Getting my first credit card.

There you have it folks. Now that I can move around the house without having someone shadow me, I will be blogging more frequently and will start reading blogs again. I have no plans to catch up with everything I missed, because frankly, that is most likely impossible. Hopefully I won't have too much trouble picking up where you all left off!

Off the Couch

2010-04-26T09:58:00.000-07:00

The past 10 days have been a pain in my ass.

Literally.

Not being able to do anything for myself has gotten frustrating and has left me feeling miserable. I am sick of laying on my couch, watching horrible Hallmark movies. I miss sleeping in bed next to Leland, and I miss being able to stand up while I take a shower. The days are always the hardest for me because I spend a significant amount of time alone.

At first the alone time was kinda cool. But after 2 days, I just got lonely.

And laying on the couch as sucked every ounce of motivation out of my body.

Leland is doing a great job of taking care of me, and when he is home with me he does an even better job of cheering me up. He'll make faces at me or do funny dances around the living room. His stand-up routine is getting better and I really think he needs to hit up an amateur night somewhere.

Though I know this isn't a very optimistic post, I AM getting better. I made it from the couch to the office all by myself. The pain isn't nearly as bad as it once was and I am hoping to be able to go back to work next Monday. Until then, I am trying to keep myself busy. I have had a few friends go above and beyond the call of duty to take care of me and keep me company. My younger sister has been amazing and always willing to babysit me whenever Leland was working late or had band practice. Some people I didn't even realize I was that close with showed up at my house to hang out with me or called me out of the blue to see how I was feeling. Though I am a sad and grumpy bugger right now, I know I am lucky to have so many people who care about me and want to help me get well.

Hump Day Hangover 9

2010-04-21T08:49:00.000-07:00

If you want to know what this is about click here.

Hello again, hello. I am writing on behalf of my lady, who is laid up for awhile. Here’s the update: she’s hanging in there. That’s really all she can do. It’s a bummer seeing her in pain, so I just try to make her feel comfortable and crack stupid jokes to keep us both laughing. Unfortunately, we’ve been laughing hardest when she is trying to get up or sit down, so it makes the whole process more difficult. Each day, my number one priority is to ensure my lady does not get up by herself. I cannot let her fall again, so right now I’m pretty vigilant of her movements. As for the shagging, well of course that is still on hold.

Nonetheless, things have been good. I’ve been systematically balancing taking care of Al along with practicing with the band and playing video games, and I think that keeps us both sane. Alyson’s sister has been coming over and taking care of her when I go practice, which is pretty awesome. I appreciate her help and it’s good that Alyson can hang out with someone aside from me all the time. That way, we can get a break from each other here and there. Everything in moderation, even moderation.

So here are my thoughts on this week’s Hump Day Hangover:

Since we’ve begun the 700 challenge, I definitely feel different about myself and my relationship. I remember last year when we would barely have sex. At that time, I would say we had sex two, maybe three, times in a month. This was frustrating at first, so I would try to shake it off. I would go through conversations in my head, wondering why she was not interested in shagging me. As the frequency of sex lessened more and more, it began to weigh heavily on my psyche. Given my Y chromosome blueprint, in general it made me feel like a pair of blueballs. The worst part is when it began to wear on my ego.

The male ego is stubborn thing. However, it’s an important thing. I myself would try to resist the feeling of doubt and shrug it off many times, but in the end the lack of sex made me feel unattractive and alone. I felt like she didn’t want to have sex with me because of some defect in my appearance or personality. It takes a toll on a man’s confidence, that’s for sure. Fortunately, we have since worked out that problem.

Given the 700 challenge, these past two months have been most triumphant. I’m definitely in a better mood most of the time these days. So ladies, remember that it’s important to have fun with your man, and that includes fun in the sack as well. Having sex with your man makes him feel wanted and more connected with his mate. It will also probably make him more easygoing. In my case, the plot twist of the fractured pubis has put a damper on the coitus, but Al and I have been laughing and getting along most of time. Well, except for when she has to get up in the middle of the night to pee. When woken up at 2:45am, we are groggy and just sit in grumpy silence. At that point, silence is golden…and so is urine.

On behalf of Yankee Girl...

2010-04-16T09:55:00.000-07:00

Hello all, this is hot husband posting on behalf of my lady. I just wanted to let you know she will be out of commission for a little bit. Here's why...

Yesterday we decided to go to the local park for some exercise. There is a paved walkway that loops around the entire park, so we decided that I would do some running while she did some rollerblading. Everything began uneventfully, although she was having a hard time finding her "wheel legs" after not practicing for over a year. At one point she took a break and I continued running around the park.

After a few loops, I met her back at the car. She looked visibly frustrated. As it turns out, she dropped her key while rollerblading and my keys were locked in the car. I told her to stay put while I jogged around the park looking for the key. Of course this was futile, but I had to try. She was walking the opposite direction and carrying her Rollerblades when we met each other. She borrowed a cell phone and called the police so they could break into our car.

She was walking back towards the car and I told her I'd meet her in a few minutes. She donned her Rollerblades one last time, and then hit a small downhill turn. I didn't see it, but she wiped out and got road rash on the right side of her body. Someone on a bicycle told me and I ran up to find her in a daze. She began to feel dizzy, so we called an ambulance. She was obviously in a lot of pain, so they took her on a stretcher and drove her to the hospital.

After several hours and x-rays, we found out she fractured her pubis (a.k.a. pubic bone) during the fall. Thus, she is experiencing a lot of pain from her groin to inside thigh and down her leg. She spent the night at the hospital and I visited her this morning. She will have to use a wheelchair and walker for the next month and will not be fully healed for 6 weeks. Ouch. I'm definitely going to have to step up and take care of her during the healing process. It will be like taking care of a 78 year old, minus the dementia and incontinence (hopefully).

So, this morning, she asked the orthopedic dude the question that might be on your minds right now. Can she have sex? He said yes (while blushing), but we must be very careful. I, however, am paranoid about any activity involving movement in the pubic area, so I don't think I want to risk it right now. So, we are probably going to have to rethink our strategy if we want to keep up with the 700 challenge.

Given these circumstances, Hump Day Hangover will be suspended for now, at least on her part. I'm definitely going to provide a guest post next week, and I'm sure she will provide an update on her condition as soon as she can. So for now, please provide comments and show her some love.

Thanks for reading everyone. I know your comments definitely put a smile in her day.

-Leland

Top 3 Thursday

2010-04-15T06:26:00.000-07:00

I am not really a blog carnival kind of blogger, and I don't usually post on Thursdays, but when I saw the question for Top 3 Thursday I just couldn't resist!

Todays question:

Who are your top three "guilty" celebrity crushes?

Because I know you are all DYING to know....

#3. Paul Rudd

I think Paul Rudd is super cute, endearing, earnest, and he always makes me laugh. After I saw him do the best dance scene ever in I Could Never Be Your Woman, there was no turning back. Anytime I watch a movie with him in it, I pretend that I am his leading lady and he is my boyfriend.

#2.
John Oliver

John Oliver is a correspondent on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Though I think Jon Stewart is funny, I really only watch the show in hopes of getting to swoon over John Oliver for a few moments. His big nose and British accent turn me on SO MUCH. I really can't help myself. He gives me goosebumps and makes me all giggly. Though he really looks like such a nerd, there is just something about him that I cannot resist.

#1.
Harry Connick Jr.

Yes, he is my all time favorite and number 1 so he gets three pictures.

I have loved Harry Connick, Jr. since I saw him for the first time when I was 10 years old and I watched Memphis Belle. There is a part in the movie where he is singing Danny Boy, and then he looks into the camera and smiles and winks. Though it isn't stated for everyone to know, that smile and wink was SPECIFICALLY for ME. You see, he loves me too. And I think it is because of Harry Connick, Jr. that I have always been attracted to musicians. He plays the piano the way I do in my dreams. I can't help but imagine all of the other fabulous things he can do with his fingers.

If you want to play along, link up at Confessions From a Working Mom!

You know you want to!

Hump Day Hangover 8

2010-04-14T07:28:00.001-07:00

If you want to know what this is about, go here.

I was supposed to have a guest blogger today but that ended up not happening. So now I am left completely unprepared for Hump Day Hangover.

Since I know you are all dying to know who left me high and dry today, and since I have no problems naming names and pointing, the answer is:

LELAND!

That’s right folks. My awesome and loving husband said he was going to write today’s installment, but instead decided to play Wii with some friends last night. Hopefully he kicked some serious ass at Wii bowling to make it worth it.

Since I have been blown off by my own husband, I have no idea what to write about.

I was thinking of writing about how I plan on making up for the 60 times we are behind (yes, 60), but in all honesty, I have no idea how we are going to do it (pun intended). Especially when Leland invites friends over on a weeknight to play Wii. I mean, that was prime time to be shagging.

I was thinking of writing about how hard this challenge is, but I don’t really feel like being whiney today. I would much rather stick with the mopey feeling I have now. Today I feel like I actually do have a Hump Day Hangover. Whenever I drink too much and have a hangover, the last thing I want to think about is alcohol. Right now, I really don’t want to think about sex.

I was thinking of writing about The New Joy of Sex book that I got as a gift, but again, that’s about sex and I just can’t do it right now. I am sure I will tell you all about it one day soon. I will probably do it on a day that I am more prepared and have not just gotten the shaft from my husband. Get it? Shaft? Ahahahahaha!

I am so witty.

But since I don’t feel like talking about sex right now, I obviously have not written about any of these things. Instead I am moping and blaming Leland for my lack of a quality post today.

I love blaming things on my husband.

Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You

2010-04-12T09:51:00.000-07:00

I am overwhelmed with the amount of love that Shorty and I have felt in the past few days. I know this is a tough time for most of us right now, so I was blown away by the amount of people who have donated for Shorty's hip surgery. Since I posted on Friday, I have received over $400 in donations!

For those of you who donated, and you know who you are:

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

It means so much to me that I have friends who are willing to lend a hand (or give some money) when I am in need. My heart is overflowing with joy.

And for everyone else, thank you so much for your words of encouragement. And telling me that you wanted to kick some trucker ass as well! You are all so wonderful and I hope that I can be as supportive of you as you have been of me.

If you want to donate, there is still time. Go here.

Shorty's hip surgery went amazingly well and he is being such a trooper! We picked him up from the vets on Saturday morning. He slept off the drugs until the afternoon, and then when we let him outside in the evening he was just as he was before the surgery: happy, excited, loving and playful. He is such a toughy I don't even think he noticed that his hip was sewn back together. He has a long recovery ahead of him but considering what he has lived through so far, I am sure the recovery will be a breeze for him.

Saving Shorty

2010-04-09T06:41:00.001-07:00

Last weekend Leland and I went to visit his brother in Shreveport, LA. We left Wednesday afternoon for the 14 hour drive and arrived at his brother’s place at 7am. About 2 hours previous to our arrival, Leland and I stopped for gas one last time. When we pulled in to the truck stop, we saw this small dog limping around. Naturally I had to get out of the car and visit with him. As I was petting him, one of the workers from the truck stop came outside to talk to me. She told me that Shorty (which is what they were calling him) had been pushed out of a truckers MOVING truck and left there. It had been three weeks and no one came back for him or took him home with them.

My hands were tied.

I HAD to take him.

There is no way I would have been able to leave that truck stop without him. All I would be able to think about is his sad little face and how much he just wanted some love. And then I would have decided that I was just as bad as the douchecanoe who abandoned him.

So we put him in the car and he spent the trip with us.

Now that we are home, we took him to the vet and got him vaccinated and dewormed. Though he didn’t have fleas, we gave him flea meds as a precaution and then picked 8 ticks off of him. His heartworm test came back negative so we started him on heartworm prevention. Today he is at the vet getting neutered.

And having hip surgery.

As is turns out, when the douchefucker of a trucker kicked Shorty out of his truck, Shorty broke his hip. The x-rays showed that his hip was worse than we thought. Without surgery his muscles could atrophy or the scar tissue could cause severe arthritis, making it hard for him to even walk.

So we are fixing it. We will somehow come up with the $2000 dollars for the surgery. Though money is super tight, I am trying not to think about the effect this is going to have on my bank account. Instead I am trying to think of Shorty. Instead of feeling bad for myself, I am feeling bad for Shorty. In his short life (the doctors think he is between 1-2 years old) he has been kicked out of a moving vehicle, left homeless and with a broken hip, he was a feeding ground for ticks, AND the x-ray showed a BULLET in his leg.

That’s right people. Some ASSHOLE shot this cute, sweet, loving dog.

There is a special place in hell for people who would do this to a dog.

In the week that we have had him, Shorty has stolen my heart. Though he has a broken hip, he loves to run and play. He is so gentle and loves to cuddle. He loves to take rides in the car and he loves to pretend to be tough.

As much as we love him already, Bacchus just won’t let us keep him. I think Bacchus would be able to come around with time, but our friend Joe was in the market for a dog so he will be keeping him. It is going to break my heart to let him go, but I know Joe will give him a good home. Plus, Joe lives 5 minutes down the street so we will be able to see him again.

If anyone is interested in helping us make sure Shorty gets the care he needs, go here.

Hump Day Hangover 7

2010-04-07T05:38:00.000-07:00

If you want to know what this is about, go here.

It’s been a dry week. We have been busy, we have been traveling, we have been tired. The ticker seems to be broken, but I promise it’s not. We will be back to shagging like horny high school students shortly.

Last night was the first time we have had sex in a week. I KNOW! SOOOOO BEHIND.

I swear we are trying and have come to the conclusion that we if can’t pull this off then no one can. Just sayin.

Anyway, we were having sex last night in our living room and doing my new favorite position. It’s sort of like reverse cowgirl: Leland was sitting down on the couch and I was on top with my back facing him. I like it because the sex is great and I get one hell of a workout. And we are doing this to get in shape so the workout part is awesome.

So I am doing my thing, moving up and down, and since Leland is sitting on the couch I am basically doing squats. Hundreds of squats.

I usually HATE doing squats. They are not fun and I will think of any excuse not to do them. Until now. Squats are glorious when there is a dick underneath me, bringing me to a remarkable orgasm. Now I want to do squats all the time and have realized that squats without a dick underneath me are silly. There is no reason I should ever do them the normal way again.

I haven’t done this many squats in a long time and now I can barely walk. My muscles are so sore that walking up the stairs is a truly daunting task. But I don’t care. I will do some more squats tonight.

Because like John Mellencamp said, “It hurts so good.”

Back Home, Back to Work

2010-04-05T12:13:00.000-07:00

I am back from Shreveport, LA, though I will still be absent from the blog world for a couple of more days.

The trip was amazing, and I will tell you all about it soon, but we picked up a four-legged hitchhiker on the way down there and now I am busy taking care of him. After a visit to the vet this afternoon, hopefully I will be able to give him to his new home sometime this week.

Until then, Shorty is getting my attention.

And yes, I will post pics of him and tell you his story when I come back.

I hope you all had a great weekend!

Hump Day Hangover 6

2010-03-31T06:15:00.000-07:00

If you want to know what this is all about, go here.

Over the last few weeks, I have been asked about the Hump Day Hangover rules and what we count as sex and what we don’t count. We have been given a ton of suggestions that we have been taking into account, but to make it easier on ourselves, we have come up with 5 rules. They are pretty simple and easy to remember, which is good, because I am too busy having sex to take time to remember some silly rules.

In case you are wondering (and I know you are) here are our rules:

1. Any act with the word “sex” in it can be used as one of the 700 times.
2. Such act MUST end in an orgasm to be able to be counted. For instance, if I just tickle Leland’s cock with my mouth a little before we commence with the shagging, that is not sex, just foreplay.
3. Sex acts must be a team sport. Playing solo may be a good time, but does not earn a ticker on the scoreboard.
4. Unless is it oral, each act must be with either one penis and one vagina, OR (though we haven’t been there yet) one anus and one penis. Hand jobs and fingers do not count. Neither do vibrators.
5. We both need to make sure we are doing an equal amount of work. If Leland is on top one time, then I need to be on top the next. We break this rule fairly often because Leland is always the only one with energy for morning sex. He just climbs on while I lay there and do nothing.

Just for fun, here are some terms you may want to familiarize yourself with:

Trifecta: This happens when I give Leland a blowjob and then he returns the favor. Shagging occurs immediately after. Bam! Three more numbers on the scoreboard.

Bisexta: We do this when either I have a cold and can’t breathe through my nose to give head, or if I have my period and it would just be gross for Leland to give me head. Only one of us gets the pleasure of oral first and then shagging follows immediately after. Two times down.

Lazy sex: This is usually morning sex when I am being lazy and not doing ANYTHING.

Failing: Not having sex.

Succeeding: Having sex every single time Leland gets a random hard-on. Whenever Leland gets a boner he is all over me for sex. If I push him away or tell him no, he always asks, “Do you want to fail, or do you want to succeed?” It works nearly every time and we end up doing a hot dance.

I am pretty sure I have already turned Leland into some sort of sex addict and we are only 6 weeks in. We’ll have to see how this progresses. And if he is an addict, at least he knows he can get it from his wife.

Postscript:
Leland and I are leaving this afternoon to visit his brother in Shreveport, LA. I have never met his brother, sister-in-law or their two sons. I’m pumped and so excited to get the hell out of town for awhile. It’s a 14 hour drive, but it’ll be a quick trip because we have to be back at work on Monday. I probably won’t be reading blogs or leaving comments. Have a great rest of the week and a happy Easter!

Dusting Bones

2010-03-29T06:04:00.000-07:00

While Leland was away in Puerto Rico a few weeks ago, I did a lot of house cleaning. For those of you who don’t know, I HATE cleaning and am allergic to the vacuum. But for some reason I was bitten by the spring cleaning bug. Every day after work I came home and cleaned.

We have a bowl in our kitchen that has every single chore written on a tiny piece of paper. All pieces of paper are folded up and placed in the bowl. Whenever we have to/want to do chores, we pull a piece of paper from the bowl and it tells us what to do. They are all small, easy projects like dust the piano or wash the bathroom mirror. Every day while Leland was gone, I pulled 7 chores out of the bowl. I ended up doing laundry, dusting the shelves in the office, cleaning the toilet…and I could go on and on.

Everything was going great until I pulled dust death shrine out of the bowl.

Leland and I live in an old house. The house has one narrow hallway on the main floor, and in that hallway is a little shelf that many people used to keep their telephones on. Since we don’t have a home phone, the shelf sat empty for many months. We just couldn’t decide what to put there.

Until Leland was unpacking some boxes and found a raccoon skull that he had been saving.

The raccoon skull was placed on the shelf, and soon it was accompanied by an otter skull and a bird skull. The death shrine was officially born. Now the death shrine holds those 3 skulls, along with two dragonflies and two cicadas. Whenever we have new people over to our house, Leland always makes sure to point out the death shrine.

Anycreepy, though I have walked past the death shrine a million times, I have never touched it. I am totally cool with the otter skull and raccoon skull, because they have both been bleached and clean. The bird skull, however, still has a feather attached to it. And though I am not afraid of bugs and have gotten over my fear of spiders, I still don’t want to touch the bugs.

No thank you.

But the chore jar gods wanted me to clean it, so I cleaned it. Touching the dead bugs and little tiny birdie skull definitely gave me a case of the hebee jebees. Because the bugs were so fragile, I had to pick them up by their heads and I was able to feel their eyeballs.

Several minutes of squirming and squealing later, the death shrine was back in order and I declared myself done with chores for the day.

When I sat on the couch with a glass of wine, I felt lucky that the squirrel head was still in the freezer.

Yes.

There is a squirrel head in my freezer.

I’ll tell you about that later.

Tonsil Talk

2010-03-26T07:00:00.000-07:00

A little over a year ago I fell in my driveway and hit my head twice. Once on the bumper of the car and then once on the ground. One emergency room visit and CT scan later, the doctor came in the room to tell me he found something abnormal in the scan (insert “we just knew you needed to get your head checked!” jokes).

But other than a concussion, my head was fine. The abnormality that was found was on my thyroid. The CT scan showed two nodules that were going to need to be tested. Sweet.

So I took myself to an ear, nose and throat doctor who was recommended to me by my regular doctor. After a very short wait, I was led to an exam room. Since I waited less than 5 minutes, I was already impressed. When the doctor entered the room, he was friendly and courteous and even cracked some jokes. Wow, I thought to myself, this doctor is great.

That feeling lasted less than 20 seconds. While doing a quick exam, he looked in my throat and said “Wow, those are the largest tonsils I have ever seen.” When I asked what I should do about them, he replied, “just make sure they don’t get any bigger.”

Huh?

How the hell am I supposed to make sure they don’t get bigger?

Then he looked at my CT and ultrasound results and said, “The nodules are probably normal, so just make sure they aren’t growing.”

Again, HUH?

He told me to come back in three months for another thyroid ultrasound.

I left his office and immediately made an appointment with another ENT.

He did a fine needle aspirate on my thyroid nodules and everything came back normal. He said I didn’t need to worry about them unless they started causing me pain or discomfort. Great. No worries. Just what a like.

But then he told me my tonsils were the biggest he had ever seen and that they would need to come out.

That’s what I thought.

But he didn’t take them out because he isn’t a provider on my insurance.

So I still have the largest tonsils known to man.

This same doctor believes they are the cause of my sleep apnea. I guess that when I lay down, my tonsils move closer together and restrict my airway and that is why I wake up a hundred times a night gasping for air. He also said because I am not getting rest, my immune system is being compromised. Awesome. Maybe that is the reason I am feeling under the weather AGAIN.

So I have an appointment on April 7th to get the ball rolling on getting my grande-sized tonsils removed. Because a good night sleep is long overdue.

Hump Day Hangover 5: A Guest Blogger

2010-03-24T06:13:00.001-07:00

When I started this little project, I never imagined I would have the response that you have all given me. Yes, I have lost some followers because of it, but I have gained far more than I have lost. We are only a month in and this has become a great journey. The greatest thing about this is that I have learned that there are a ton of people out there who want to talk about SEX. So let's do it. I have decided to open up Hump Day Hangover to ANYONE who wants to talk about sex. Just send me an email and I'll get you scheduled to guest post.

Today I am hosting my first guest blogger ever!
Many of you know T!nk from This is How it Feels. He is awesome, sexy, funny, real and he is my gay. I know I share him with others but that's cool. I have sisters. I learned to share when I was young.

Read what T!nk has to say about his sexcapades. And then go to his site and follow him. He is SO worth the extra blog in your reader!

Without further ado....

I consider myself a classy woman.

I cook, I clean, I never leave the house lookin' a hot mess, you would never find me on peopleofwalmart.com. (<-----I mention them enough they should be my sponsor). I always have my face on*, hair did, outfit lookin' fly, I mean, you never know when you could be signed to Wilhelmina.

I've got home trainin' so I know how to act in public. I am a gracious host/guest, unless you've pissed me off, but even that I will handle in a classy manner. I never attempt to procreate on the first date. If it went well, you will get a kiss and a hug at the end of the night, and if it went REALLY well I might use tongue. I never act like a ho in public.

But I am a sexual being.

I'm a freak in the sheets... or lack of bedding attire, or bedding apparatus thereof.

When I first started becoming sexually active (we can say that, I mean, we're all adults here, no? fine. I'll substitute) I realized that there was one place that was taboo for me to make whoopie.

I mean, I've "bumped uglies" in a church parking lot (where my dad was the preacher), basement, hallway, deep in the woods, back porch at 2am, on the couch, kitchen counter**, on an empty train, down by the river, in the backseat of any model of car you can think of, the shower, kitchen sink, the bed of all models of ford truck, behind a tent in Iraq, mall parking lot, and one time in the middle of the park at 3am. There was one place I had left to discover.

The bed.

I had never "done the do" in my own bed (I once knocked boots in my Dad's bed once as a big F U, but that's another story). When the time finally "came" for me to do the nasty in my own bed, it was like a foreign place to me. It was new, and exciting, and I was afraid I was going to need a special spill kit for my Egyptian Cotton Sheets.

But I didn't just let anyone in my bed. I mean, I'm a classy woman, that's like, personal. A bed is for sleeping and sleeping is intimate? Right? That would mean I had to, like, put myself out there on a more than purely physical level, right? Then I would have to have, like.... substance.

It was then that I realized that I was more than what I could offer in the boudoir. I was smart, funny, intelligent, loving, caring, a real catch. And I'm basically June fucking Cleaver in the kitchen.

If I was such a catch... then why was I giving my goodies away to any gentlemen caller that was above an 8... (on the hottie scale) who had a nice smile and a twinkle in his eye?

I realized then that I didn't feel like I was such a put together woman. And that all that put togetherness on the outside was a mask for the mess inside. The lonely, scared, angry, needy, emotionally dependent little gay boy. And the mattress mambo, for me, became a way of finding love and happiness because I didn't have it within myself.

It was then that I started the journey to love myself. While it's been an uphill battle, it's been one that I am winning. I feel like I love that lonely, scared little boy so much more today than I ever thought I could. And it's not easy. There are days where I am down. There are days when I am too hard on myself. But overall, it's been a good ride.

And when I started dating again, and opened myself up, put myself out there, I did so in my bed. No spill kit, no safety net. One man, on one man. Just as God intended ;-)

Love,

*face on: having 15.5 lbs of MAC makeup on, looking similar to Jan Crouch, she's classy.

**for health reasons, I wouldn't necessarily suggest this surface.

Death Metal Review

2010-03-22T10:43:00.000-07:00

For the last couple of weekends, Leland has been playing a lot of shows with his death metal band, Throne of the Wretched. When he started this band, I told him that I would probably not be going to a lot of his shows. Not because I don’t want to be supportive, but because I do not like death metal music.

I went to his first show, well, because it was their first and a lot of our friends were going to be there…so I basically went to hang out with my friends, not to support my husband.

Last weekend Leland played two shows. Again, I wasn’t planning on going, but the singer quit so Leland had to step up and do the vocals. If you didn’t know this by now, Leland is a bit of an egomaniac, so I just HAD to go to the shows and see him as a front man. He did an awesome job, but my intentions aren’t to stroke his ego.

The death metal scene is unlike anything else I have ever seen. At both shows this past weekend, I was one of maybe three women at the venue. I am assuming the other women were also wives or girlfriends of members of the other bands that were playing. The members in all four bands pretty much looked the same. They were all wearing some sort of death metal t-shirt, several of them were promoting Satan with sayings such as Who needs a God when we have Satan? Leland was wearing a t-shirt from a band called Carcass, and other guys were wearing t-shirts from bands called Cannibal Corpse, Maggot Twat, and Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza. Death metal is high class, isn't it?

All of the guys there must have been trying to look metal because they all seemed to wear the same scowl and looked as though they were just waiting for the chance to eat someone alive. If I had encountered any of these guys on a dark street, I would definitely be reaching for my mace and brass knuckles. But I wasn’t on a dark street, so what did I do?

I talked to the scary guys.

As it turns out, they weren’t scary people and didn’t want to eat my face off. Some were soft-spoken and shy, some were friendly and outgoing, some just wanted to talk music. None of them were scary and no one tried to get me involved in any weird Satan worshipping rituals. They were just interested in playing heavy music and supporting the death metal scene.

I found the whole night to be sort of funny. For some reason I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw Leland playing and singing…well, death metal singers don’t really sing, they growl. Leland’s fingers were moving faster than I had ever seen before, and though the music is as far from mainstream as music can possibly get, their musicianship was more technical than I have ever seen. No, I still don’t like the music, but watching the members of all four bands play really made me appreciate death metal.

But not enough to enjoy it when Leland BLASTS the music in the house and in the car.

Homecoming

2010-03-19T04:38:00.000-07:00

Leland gets home at noon today and I am so excited. We haven't really been able to talk all week because he has been so busy, and I miss my best friend. And I miss having a man in the house.

I have never lived alone. I moved out of my parents house and into the house I share with Leland. I think because I have never lived alone I now get a little nervous being at home alone when he is out of town. I know, call me crazy (you wouldn't be the first), but when I am spending a significant amount of time at home alone I feel like there is a large neon sign in the front yard telling murderers and rapists that there is a woman alone in the house.

This is why I got a dog. Bacchus has been doing a great job protecting me this week, though it turns out I really didn't need protecting. Every night he would pace the hallway for a while before he went to his closet to sleep. He would stand at the hallway window and growl, what he was growling at I have no idea. But since he never does this when Leland is home, it was actually making me nervous. I thought there might actually be someone outside, drawn in by the large neon sign.

I spent my week working, cleaning and taking walks with the dog. I ate healthy and took care of myself and Leland will be coming home today to a (finally!) healthy wife.

Hump Day Hangover 4

2010-03-17T06:21:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my fourth edition of Hump Day Hangover. If you are new to my blog and want to know what this is all about, go here.

By the time Leland gets home from Puerto Rico on Friday, we will be behind our goal by 28. Yep, we will have to continue having sex to stay on top of things, and then have make up sex 28 times. I’m not worried. Leland and I do not have any plans this weekend so I am SURE we will get a good amount of shagging in. Maybe I’ll just tie Leland to the bedposts and leave him there all weekend. Then he will be just waiting there for my pleasure.

Although I was sick last week and had my period, we still made sure to have some sex. My death metal seduction worked, though we had some trouble in the shower. For some reason, we just couldn’t figure out how to do it in the shower. I thought that I could just bend over and Leland could do me from behind, but I failed to realize that Leland is significantly taller than me, and in order for him to do that my ass would somehow have to be higher. I tried standing on my toes but I still wasn’t high enough. I tried putting one leg up, we tried having Leland outside of the shower, Leland tried getting lower. NOTHING WORKED.

What are we doing wrong?

Please help.

It's Up To Me

2010-03-15T07:33:00.000-07:00

It’s Monday and I’m back at work. Though I am feeling better, I am still not feeling as awesome as I would like. Oh well, I’ll struggle through and make it through the day and go to bed early.

Leland left today for Puerto Rico. I will be on my own this week, and as much as I like having my alone time, I like it better when he is around. He is funny and makes me laugh all the time, he keeps the house clean, and he motivates…I mean, nags me, to take care of myself.

When he is here, we work out together, make healthy dinners together, go for late evening strolls, and of course, sexercise. When he was in Puerto Rico last month I did not take good care of myself. I didn’t work out AT ALL, I ate crappy food and drank a lot of wine. As much as I HATE admitting it, Leland keeps me healthy.

My goal for this week is to prove that I can take care of myself when no one else is watching. I want to get my body moving every day this week. Since I am still sick I don’t want to fool myself into thinking that I am going to get 5 days of vigorous exercise, but I am going to do some sort of physical activity every day this week. It could mean taking Bacchus for a walk, doing some yard work, playing Wii boxing, or even doing the Shred at the end of the week when I am (goddess help me) feeling better.

As for eating, I don’t have money to buy crappy food, so I will be eating the salmon and shrimp that I have in my freezer.

I don’t need Leland around to be good to myself.

Right?

Right.

The Anti-Post

2010-03-12T06:44:00.000-08:00

I am still sick. I plan on watching stupid movies all day long. Leland says I need to drink an ass load of water. Yes, an ass load. That is what he said.

So I am going to lay on the couch, watch stupid movies, and drink an ass load of water.

What are your plans for the day?

Hump Day Hangover 3

2010-03-10T06:48:00.001-08:00

As I am sure you can all see by the counter, Leland and I are WAY behind our goal. This week has been particularly difficult because I was sick all weekend long. We were off to a good start on Friday with morning sex and then it all went downhill from there. Our plan was to go to the climbing wall after work on Friday and then go home and have sex at least 2 more times. Yes, we were planning it. I know, not romantic or spontaneous, but we had to fit it in somewhere.

On our way home from the climbing gym that night I started to feel a little tickle in my throat. When we made it home 20 minutes later, my head was stuffed up and I was getting really fatigued. Instead of having sex, I ate dinner and went to sleep.

On Saturday morning I woke up sicker than the night before. My head was all fuzzy, I could barely breathe, and had the chills and body aches. It did not look like we were going to get any shagging in that day either.

Or so I thought.

Leland rolls over and tells me that he is going to warm me up and make me feel better. As much as I wanted to push him away, I knew we were already behind. I did what I had to do for the cause. I spread my legs.

So Leland climbs on top, and maybe 5 seconds after we actually start doing it he says:

Hold on a minute, I have to fart. It’s going to be AWESOME.

And then this follows:

Bbbbbrrrrrrrrrpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp.

It literally lasted about 10 seconds. All while he was inside me waiting for it to end.

I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

Good thing I was stuffed up because I wasn’t able to smell anything.

Sadly, that was all the sex we had last weekend. And now I have my period and Leland usually stays away from me when I am bleeding. I am going to try to coax him into having sex with me by putting death metal music on in the background. That should get him turned on. Or I’ll have him take a shower with me. He can’t be grossed out if he can clean himself up right away.

We really need to have sex this week and weekend because Leland will be out of town all next week (in Puerto Rico again, lucky bastard) and I don’t want to get more behind than we already are. Hopefully the death metal seduction will work.

***The AWESOME picture at the top of the page and button on my sidebar was created for me by Elizabeth at Confessions From a Working Mom. She is a great friend and has an awesome blog. If you don’t know her yet, you should. She rocks my world. Thanks so much for your help Elizabeth!***

My One Woman Revolt

2010-03-08T10:58:00.000-08:00

Hello, my name is Alyson and I am a political junkie.

Since I have been 18, I have voted in every single election. Local and national. I research candidates before going to vote to ensure the right person is getting my vote. I pay attention to what is going on in the political world on a near daily basis. Though I am SICK of listening to the health care debates and progress (or lack thereof), I still tune in for my updates. Not only do I want to know about how the economy is recovering, or how world relations are developing, or the directions our 2 wars are heading, I NEED to know. I just can't help it.

Unlike going to the voting box, right now I do not want to stand up and be counted.

The 2010 Census is taking place and I am privately protesting it. I understand that the government uses the census to decide where to allocate government funding, but I still do not want to be counted.

My reasons? The constitution says the government can count us every ten years. Fair enough. Except for the fact that they actually count us every single day of every single year. The check our credit reports, the keep track of what books we check out from the library, they know how much money we make.

I am not an expert, but it seems to me that the government is counting us every year when we file our taxes. For instance, they already know that I am married. They already know my address. They already know that there are only two adults living in my house. Why must they go door to door, asking these questions, along with other personal questions?

And where is all of this information going? Most likely into some government database that will probably be hacked or compromised at some point in time. And then what happens? All of my information is just leaked? That is so not okay with me. Unless I say it is okay, no one needs to know how many cars we have, or if Leland and I are planning on having babies in the next ten years. They don't need to know about any medical issues or the first date of my last period. It is no one's business what we spend our money on or how much we make in donations every year.

So unless the government threatens to put me in jail, I will not be participating in the census this year. I already filed my taxes, count me with that information.

I don't answer my door when strangers come knocking, I will not be answering my door for census workers either.

Copy Cat

2010-03-05T07:14:00.000-08:00

In an effort to find ways to work out that are actually FUN, I have started rock climbing.

Actually, wall climbing. I used to do it sort of frequently years ago, but before two weeks ago I think it has been 4 years since the last time I had been climbing.

My sister Swizzlestickmama and I go to the local climbing wall and kick our own asses. We have decided to at least go every Wednesday because Wednesday is ladies night so we can climb for $5 and free rentals. Which is a steal. Swizzle started climbing long before I did and I KNOW I started climbing because I felt like I had to keep up with her. This has been a trend in my life.

As soon as Swizzle did it, I JUST HAD to do it myself.

I know people say that imitating someone is the sincerest form of flattery, but I am sure there were times that Swizzle wanted to tie me up to keep me from copying her yet again. Lucky for me she never did that. Instead, she would just laugh at how determined I was to follow in her footsteps. Or complain to my mother.

Here are just a few examples of things I have done because of my big sister:

1. Blogging. I had heard of people blogging and knew that she blogged, but for the longest time I just wasn’t interested. And then she gave me the URL to her blog and allowed me to read it. I think it was a week later that I called her and asked her to help me set up my own blog.

2. Reading. Yes, I loved to read all on my own, but I actually got a degree in English Literature because of Swizzle. Sort of. In high school she would read stuff by Allen Ginsberg and Williams Burroughs and I had no idea who they were. It killed me that she knew about them and I didn’t. So I started reading more. I started pulling books off of her bookshelf so I would know what she was talking about. At first I thought the books were stupid, but as I got older I started to like them a lot more, and then after going through 17 majors in college, I picked English. It was what I liked and is what I am good at. But if I wasn’t always trying to keep up with Swizzle I may have done something else.

3. Music. Though I do have my own taste in music, and I am sure there have been a few times I have taught her a thing or two about music, I have a collection of music that came straight from Swizzle. I would not listen to Kirsty MacColl, Kasey Chambers or Shannon Curfman if she didn’t listen to them first. I always love when I listen to these ladies with someone else in the car and they think I have the most awesome taste in music. Sometimes I will tell them I got it from my sister. Other times I take full credit for finding them myself.

4. Eating healthier. Swizzle is the queen of veggie burgers. At first I thought they were gross (this was well before I had ever actually tried one) but then I decided to give it a try. Now I prefer veggie burgers. Or turkey burgers. Swizzle was also my inspiration to try being a vegetarian. She is the queen at being an on-again, off-again vegetarian, and one of the times she was on-again, I did it along with her. Leland and I go through phases of what we want to eat and what we don’t want to eat, and we do that for different reasons. But the first time I gave it a try was all about my sister.

5. Rollerblading. Swizzle loves to rollerblade. Though I am sure it is tough to do now that she has two little monsters, when we were younger she was ALWAYS on her rollerblades. So what did I start doing? I started keeping them in my car so I could rollerblade whenever I wanted to. Sometimes we would rollerblade together, and sometimes I just call her to tell her I went rollerblading to rub it in.

I am sure this list isn’t even close to being complete, but making this list is starting to make me feel very unoriginal. Now that I am older, I definitely do things my own way and for my own reasons, but Swizzle influenced me a lot when we were kids. But I love climbing. It is an awesome cardio and muscle building workout. And I just feel very cool doing it…although the harness isn’t flattering at all. And often crawls up places it shouldn’t be.

Please check out Swizzle's link at the top of the page for her side of the story.

In other news, Mrsblogsalot has given me her own Must Read Award!

I was so excited to see that she thinks I am a must read. I knew I would lose some readers when I started posting about our 700 escapade, but I never thought that someone would think I was a must read because of it. THANK YOU SO MUCH Mrsblogsalot. You rock my world!

Hump Day Hangover

2010-03-03T06:10:00.000-08:00

Per reader request, I will have Leland share his thoughts on our little project every once in a while. So without further adu, here is Leland for this week's episode of Hump Day Hangover.

As you are probably aware, Alyson and I have quite the endeavor planned for the next 12 months. I was told that there is some interest in hearing my perspective regarding this matter. I would be happy to share, because quite frankly, why wouldn’t I be?

First off, I will provide some background. My sexual drive has been increasing the past few years. The statement Alyson made in a past post regarding me having 10 erections a day is actually pretty accurate. On average, I would say I get 5 or more random hard-ons a day. I use the word “random” because this happens even when nothing remotely sexual is playing itself out in my mind. I’ll just be at work, drafting a protocol outlining the operational process for a pharmaceutical packaging machine, and BAM! There is my dick, trying to punch through my pants like a person trying to break the window of a burning vehicle with the doors wedged shut. Sometimes, it becomes so uncomfortable that I have to masturbate in order to continue working. Let me tell you, if you have never been paid to get your own rocks off at work, you’re missing out! It’s a win-win situation.

I’ve talked to some of my buddies about my priapismic tendencies. They are all in their twenties, and all of them have said that this sort of thing stopped for them years ago. So here I am, 29 years old, and my penis has the determination of a cock half its age. I theorize that all the weightlifting I’ve done these past few years has spiked my testosterone production, but in the end, I really don’t know what’s happening.

Nonetheless, I was pleasantly surprised when Alyson thought that having sex 700 times in one year was a sweet idea. It really will help us to get into shape, and maybe my random erections will decrease as a result. Most importantly, I think doing this will decrease our frequency of arguments and keep us in a good mood. I mean, how can someone be in a shitty mood if he or she is getting laid all the time? So, for all the ladies out there that talk about “not being in the mood," I just say fuck it...literally.

I Have Sex For Tips

2010-03-01T08:14:00.000-08:00

I have spent this past weekend worrying about money. Though money is usually tighter than I would like it to be, this week is especially tight because we have a few extra things that we have to pay for. As hard as I try to budget for everything, something always comes up, there is a bill that gets lost in the shuffle, or my gas bill ends up being twice the amount that I expected it to be.

So now my budget is all screwed up, I am keeping my fingers crossed that we make it through the week without being overdrawn, and trying to figure out how to make it through the week without any food in the house.

Do you feel bad for me yet?

That’s good.

Because I need your help. I thought that if I gave you all a small sob-story that you might be more willing to help.

No, I don’t want you to buy me food. If we are starving, I know my mom and dad will feed us (that is okay, right mom?), and if we are overdrawn at the end of the week, we’ll survive. Leland’s paycheck will be deposited and the fees will be paid. It’s not ideal, but we’ll deal with it.

What we need is more important than food and money.

WE NEED CONDOMS.

And lube.

While I was fretting over my budget, Leland told me that we were running short on condoms. And then he pointed out that we were going to need A LOT to get us through the year. Our lube as been squeezed dry. Crunching numbers, I realized that our 700 times a year project will end up costing us about $450.

We decided we need sponsors.

OR A TIP JAR.

I know there are a ton of web savvy people out there. If you find a website that is giving away free condoms or coupons, let me know.

If you want to send us a box of Trojan Magnums, send me an email and I’ll give you my address.

I know a lot of my readers are past the condom buying stage, but think of buying condoms as a fun way to spend a Monday night. You can pretend you are in high school and sneaking around behind your parent’s backs. Or buy only condoms and lube and then try and make the checkout person as uncomfortable as possible. Talk with him/her about really inappropriate things just to watch them squirm.

This is the one thing I can’t go to my mom for. She wants grandbabies and would prefer we don’t use condoms anyway. I have sent both Trojan and MensHealth.com emails asking them for help as well.

Please take pity on me and my cause. And of course, if I get my book about this project published, I will be sure to add the names of everyone who helped in the acknowledgments.

The Best In-laws Ever

2010-02-26T06:19:00.000-08:00

I am sure you all puked in your mouths a little at that title, but please read on. I am sure most of you would agree that I do have The Best In-laws Ever.

There has been a lot of talk/complaining going on about in-laws lately, and I just couldn’t be left out of the party. The problem is, I love my in-laws. They are the best in-laws a girl could ask for. I wouldn’t want to change them for the world.

The reason they get the award as The Best In-laws Ever?

They stopped talking to Leland and I nearly 3 years ago.

If you want to know why they stopped talking to us, read the letter to my in-laws.

At first it was hard to deal with the pain of the whole situation that caused them to excommunicate us, but as time goes on it gets easier and easier. For me it was always easy. They treated me like I was dog poop getting eaten by maggots so I didn’t shed any tears at their decision to ignore our existence. I did, however, worry about Leland. I worried because no matter what they said or thought, I am a good wife. But over the past 3 years, Leland has showed me that he really doesn’t care either.

Leland’s mom has started calling him on major holidays and his birthday, but Leland so far has not called her back. I think he is happy that he doesn’t have to deal with them either. And the one time they did talk (which was shortly after I posted the letter to my in-laws) his mom didn’t want to talk about their issues, made bad comments about Leland’s brother, and never even asked about me. I guess she proved to him that she really is only thinking about herself.

Leland knows exactly how I feel about his parents, so it should come as no surprise when he sees the list I have made of why I am so lucky to have The Best In-laws Ever.

1. I don’t have to go over for awkward dinners where we pretend that we all like each other.

2. We don’t have to split holidays.

3. I don’t have to deal with a mother who tries to compete with me for his attention.

4. When the time comes, I won’t have to worry about her judging me for the way I raise my kids.

5. I don’t have to pretend that I like the birthday gift his mother has given me because I don’t even get the crappy gifts anymore.

6. The cool gifts she did give me during the short time that she was trying to like me I am now free to sell on eBay.

7. I don’t have to deal with his mom thinking that she knows Leland better than I do because frankly, she doesn’t know him at all anymore.

8. Other than the random updates we get from other family members, I can completely ignore the fact that his dad is a douchecanoe.

9. When I do get pregnant (because Leland and I have decided together that it was time, not because I was tricking him into getting me pregnant) I won’t have to tell them at all!

10. When they get old, I won’t have to worry that Leland is going to suggest that they come and live with us.

So you see, I really DO have The Best In-laws Ever. I used to have a million things to complain about when it came to Leland’s parents, but now I really do feel so lucky. They are far away, literally and figuratively, and they can’t touch me anymore.

Hump Day Hangover

2010-02-24T06:42:00.000-08:00

Leland got home from Puerto Rico on Friday, and because we had a house full of people, we were not able to shag. Don’t worry, dear friends, by Saturday Leland was all about reaching his 700 times a year goal. We have not been following the ever so helpful guide to have sex 8 times a week, we have instead just been having whatever kind of sex we feel like.

Since Saturday we have had sex 3 times. I know, that’s not a big number at all, and if we want to reach 700 times, we really are going to have to step it up a notch.

And we are going to have to buy more lube.

On to the details…

We have been having sex in our bed, which is warm and comfy, but I think if we stick to bed sex we are going to get a little bored. We live alone, we have an entire house to ourselves, we really need to get out of the bedroom and into the kitchen.

Or on the couch.

Or in the shower.

Or on the dining room table.

Wait, scratch the last one. It’s a really OLD table that has been in my family for over a century and I think my dad would be pissed if we broke it having sex.

Anylube,

The sexercise thing is working. If I really think about what I am doing, I can feel my ab muscles working. On Sunday I worked my abs so much during sex that they hurt all day on Monday. I have no idea if Leland feels his abs working because I haven’t asked. I can tell you that he is giddy with delight to be having sex on a daily basis.

Yesterday he came home from work early with a fever and had a fever all night and he still wanted to bone. I had to say no. I am not interested in making out with someone who has a fever and a nose full of snot. Sorry. Plus, my vagina needed a break. It still rips just a little, so I thought it would be good if I let it heal for a day. And I am sure a day will be all it’s getting. Leland is feeling better today and I am ready for another killer ab workout.

Dirty Little Secrets OR a Really Sappy Post About Friendship

2010-02-22T14:02:00.000-08:00

We all have some dirty little secrets. Well, at least I did until I started this blog. Now it seems everyone knows everything about me, including my mother, who I am sure was just fine not knowing every little detail of my sex life. Sorry to ruin that for you mom.

With everything I have put out there for the world to read, there is one thing that I haven’t mentioned. Perhaps I have kept this dirty little secret for so long because I am slightly embarrassed. Maybe it is because I was afraid of being judged. It’s possible I haven’t said anything because I am not the same person I was during the time the dirty little secret took place.

In any case, I am ready to divulge.

I was a pageant girl.

You read that correctly. When I was 16 I participated in the Miss Woodstock pageant in my town.

At that age, I was much more open to things like that. I was a cheerleader after all.

Everything people say about pageants are absolutely true. Of course, no one involved calls them beauty pageants. They are scholarship pageants.

Even back then I didn’t believe that bullshit. No one traipses on stage, competing against other girls to win $1000. We did it because we wanted to wear the crown and move on to the county-wide pageant which would then hopefully take us to the state pageant.

I think there were 16 girls competing the year I ran. I could lie and say they were all really sweet and we became lifelong friends like most pageant girls do, but you all know how I like to be honest.

They were not sweet girls. Of course they were nice to my face but at one time or another they all came to me to complain about other girls. Yes, I was a pageant girl, but I was not stupid.

There was one girl in the group who wasn’t bitchy though. Amy was fun and outgoing and would rather laugh than be mean to someone. Somehow in the midst of the madness that was pageant rehearsals, we managed to become friends. After rehearsals we would go out for pie and laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole thing. Yes, we even gossiped about the other girls (I never said I was perfect). Eventually Amy started picking me up on her way to practice and dropping me off after. We exchanged phone numbers and soon started spending time together outside of pageant rehearsals.

It has been 12 years since our pageant days and we are still friends. Every once in a while we’ll reflect on those days and shake our heads in shame. But as much as we like to laugh about it, we never forget that it was the pageant that brought us together. We had lived in the same town our whole lives, we had several mutual friends, we went to several of the same parties and she had friends that lived around the corner from me, but we never met.

After the pageant she went away to college and I stayed home and started senior year of high school. We talked nearly every day and I went to visit her as often as I could. I was the made-of-honor in her wedding and she was a bridesmaid in mine.

Now that we are older, it’s hard for us to see each other as much as we would like. She now lives an hour away and has her own family. Though I don’t talk to Amy as much as I would like, I know she is there and will be there whenever I need her. We play really epic games of phone tag, but when we connect it is as though not a day has gone by.

Last week Amy turned 30 and I was lucky enough to see her twice in one week. I don’t think that has happened since the year she lived in Woodstock after college, which had to be at least 8 years ago. I don’t know when I will be seeing her again, but I know I am in her heart, just as she is in mine.

Oh, and since I know you are all DYING to know, neither Amy or I won the pageant. The title of Miss Woodstock 1998 went to one of the bitchy girls.

The Answer to Weight Loss

2010-02-19T06:24:00.001-08:00

In case you didn’t know, Leland is OBSESSED with staying as fit as possible. Though he is pretty trim, has large muscles and works out on a regular basis, he is always looking for ways to step it up a notch. He is determined to have a 6-pack before he turns 30.

Last week as we were driving home from work, he told me about this article he found at MensHealth.com. The article was a list of 25 things men can do to stay in shape.

I was all ears. Leland loves talking about new exercises and new things he can do to trim his mid-section so I was anxious to hear what he was going to try next. Since I have known him he has tried some interesting things to earn the elusive 6-pack including, but not limited to, eating only 400 calories a day, eating nothing but salmon for a month, doing 1000 crunches a day, and taking protein and creatine shakes.

Even after trying all of those things, he has found that working out a lot and eating a lot of protein works best for him. I think the only reason he doesn’t have a 6-pack is because he likes to drink and have a good time on the weekends.

Anyway, back to the article that has given Leland his newest idea.

“The article says I should be having sex 700 times a year,” Leland said.

That’s right. 700 times a year!

Humoring him, I said, “Really? What did the article say about it?”

He then went on to tell me how men who have sex 700 times a year look ten years younger than those who don’t. Sex burns calories, reduces stress, increases endorphins, and is just all around good for you. He even said that the article had a 7 day schedule for sex.

Lucky me.

The man who gets more random boners than most 16 year old boys now wants to have sex 700 times a year. That’s nearly 2 times a day. And if you account for the 4 days a month when Leland doesn’t even want to be in the same room as me, that makes it 2.2 times a day.

Like I said, he LITERALLY gets about 10 random boners a day. Now this article has given him more ammunition for talking me into using those random boners.

I tried to reason with him. I tried to tell him that the article was written by a man, for men to read in a men’s magazine. OF COURSE they are going to say that sex is the answer to weight loss.

But it didn’t work.

Nope, he thinks this is the money idea. He just knows that this will bring the desired results. He even promised me I would see results of my own.

Again, lucky me.

Now don’t get me wrong. You all know I enjoy sex with Leland, but…well, I guess I just never expected sex to turn into exercise. I don’t know about you, but I am definitely not one of those women who LOVES exercise.

If you don’t hear from me for a while it’s because I am VERY BUSY having sex. And when I am not having sex, I will most likely be too tired to do anything else.

And please, check out the 7 day schedule. That way you can follow along and know exactly what kind of sex I am having on any given day.

The Battle Book

2010-02-17T08:49:00.001-08:00

I don't have anything planned for today. I am off of work so I can support a good friend at her Grandfather's funeral so I will not be spending all day on the computer like I usually do. So since I don't have anything interesting to read, please stop by:

THE BATTLE BOOK

I promise she has interesting stuff to read.

And if you don't stop by you will have to deal with my wrath. That doesn't sound like any fun, does it?

Really, I'm not threatening you. But check her out. She's hot.

Getting Caught

2010-02-15T15:28:00.000-08:00

I got home from work tonight and decided to sit down and check my blog before I started doing chores. Leland is in sunny Puerto Rico for work and I know how he hates coming home to a messy house, so I have decided to do a little cleaning every day so I don't have to run around like a crazy person on Thursday night.

Anyway, I was reading a few comments I had and noticed the last comment was from Mimi. MIMI IS MY MOTHER.

As I am sure you are all aware, the last post I wrote was about SEX.

My mom had told me that she doesn't read the posts I write with the words "sex" or "BJ" in the title.

I guess she changed her mind this time.

Here is the comment she left for me: Now, Yankee Girl, don't think your parents didn't know what goes on in their house. After all, you weren't a teenager, we were just a roof over your head until you went on your own. And we didn't see the condom pkg.

So I guess our mad rush up the was worth it, but then I just blew the secret by posting it on my blog. AWESOME. Don't worry, this won't keep me from writing explicit things in the future. She can handle it.

I got a good laugh out of the comment though and then called my mom. Always a good sport, she just laughed along with me. She then told me she will usually start reading my posts and then stop if they get to raunchy. I guess I just didn't add enough detail to the post and she kept reading.

Oh well. Not a big deal. My mom knows how I am and after a few glasses of wine I usually end up telling her too much anyway. I have a very cool mom and although she probably doesn't LOVE hearing me talk about my sex life, she lets me say what I want and still loves me and respects me later.

And if that comment she left wasn't enough proof of her coolness factor, let me also add a few other things that we have talked about:

1. Camel Toe
2. Moose knuckle
3. Skull-fucking
4. Beer bongs
5. My new decision to try writing for porn magazines.

Although most of those things were initially brought up by Leland, who loves to bring up topics like this just to get a rise out of my mother, she goes with the flow very well.

And SHE was the one to bring up CAMEL TOE.

So to my mother, Mimi, welcome to reading my sex stories. I know you may not like to hear about them, but always remember I am who I am because of YOU.

A Valentine's Day Sex Story

2010-02-12T05:54:00.001-08:00

A new blog carnival has been posted by Elizabeth at Confessions From a Working Mom. The assignment was to tell people of your top three Valentine's Day stories. Here is my Top 3 Thursday, the Friday edition. Since I don’t really have 3 Valentine’s Day stories worth sharing, I am only going to share one.

Come back in time with me for a little while….

Valentine’s Day, February 2003

Leland and I had been dating for a few months and this was our first Valentine’s Day together so I wanted to have some alone time. The problem? We were both living with our parents. So I did what any horny 22 year old would do: I bought them a gift certificate to a restaurant and sent them out to dinner.

I planned a meal to make for Leland, and for the life of me I can’t remember what I made except for french onion soup. I know, who makes a romantic dinner with onions? But Leland loves french onion soup so I made it for the very first time that night.

I set the table with a red table cloth, sprinkled heart confetti on the table, and lit some candles. When I was done making dinner I put on a sexy dress I borrowed from my sister that barely covered my ass and waited for Leland’s arrival.

We sat down to eat dinner, and to be honest, it was a little uncomfortable. I am sure you all know that Leland and I are not the romantic type. The food was decent, except for the french onion soup. I followed the directions to the letter and it still tasted like smelly feet. So not romantic. Leland ate it anyway to make me happy.

After dinner we put the food away and then immediately Leland started putting on the moves. So we had sex. Lots and lots of sex all over my parent’s kitchen. We were on the sink, the counter, the stove, up against the wall and even on the floor. It seemed Leland cared less about the dinner and more about removing the slutty dress I borrowed from my sister. After we had worn out the kitchen, we went to my bedroom that was located in the basement.

A little while later we heard my parents come home. We stayed in bed for a few minutes, deciding when would be a good time to go upstairs and say hello to my parents because we didn’t want them to think we were having sex. At this point my parents still thought I was saving myself for marriage. I really didn’t feel like bursting that bubble for them on that night.

Seconds later Leland shot up in bed and frantically started getting dressed.

“What’s the hurry?” I asked.

“Your parents are home and we left condom wrappers all over the kitchen,” Leland said.

At this point I was on my feet, trying to find the clothes my parents had seen me in before they left. I wasn’t sure where we had left all of the condom wrappers, but was pretty sure there were at least two on the table.

The table that had a red table cloth on it.

A red table cloth that would make the condom wrappers impossible to miss.

And my parents always came in the house through the back door the led directly into the kitchen.

We both got dressed in lightening time and booked our asses upstairs. Somehow in the short amount of time we decided that I would talk to my parents and try to distract them from the kitchen as Leland gathered all of the evidence.

By the time we got upstairs, both of my parents were sitting in the living room. They were surprisingly calm. They told me about their dinner, said they had a nice time, and then asked how our night was. I wasn’t sure if my mom was trying to set me up to be caught, or if they really didn’t see the mess we left behind. I said it was nice, we had fun, and that Leland was cleaning up the kitchen as we spoke. My parents both got up to say hello to Leland and walked in the kitchen as he was shoving the last wrapper in his pocket.

Then they decided we should all have a drink together, which was a great idea because at that point I really needed something strong to take the edge off.

To this day I have no idea if my parents saw the mess. And since my mom doesn’t read my blogs with the words “sex” or “BJ” in the title (thank goddess), I won’t find out now either.

And that is totally okay with me.

In other business, the winners of my 100 follower giveaway have been drawn! The winners are Cathy at Antsy Pants, Tracy at Iced Karma Coffee, and Sarah at The Anti-Journalist. Please send me an email with your address so I know where to send the gift card you have chosen! Thanks to everyone for participating!

Is This What I Have to Look Forward To?

2010-02-10T07:57:00.000-08:00

On Monday I took a different way home from work because I didn’t have to pick up Leland. He stayed home sick. Don’t worry, he’s not really sick. He was just tired and wanted to clean the house.

Anyway, as I was driving home I got stopped by a commuter train. Whenever I don’t have to pick up Leland I always try to race home to beat the train. On Monday I wasn’t fast enough and ending up sitting for a few minutes waiting for the train to unload passengers and leave the station.

As I was sitting there ever so impatiently, I saw an old woman walking up to the tracks. She was OLD. She was wearing a plastic bag tied around her head and big black sunglasses that made her look like a fly. I saw her look back and forth across the tracks several times and started to get nervous.

Are you fucking kidding me, I thought to myself. If you cross those tracks and get hit by the train I will be scarred for life and may never be able to get a good nights sleep again. You better not fucking cross those tracks!

I actually thought about rolling down my window and yelling at her but for some reason I didn’t. Maybe I thought I was overreacting.

I took my eyes off of the old woman and glanced over at the train station. I saw the train lurch forward and start moving. This made me so happy because I was eager to get home. My happiness only lasted for a split second because I saw the old woman approach the tracks. I saw her walk around the gate that had flashing lights all over it and walk onto the tracks.

I immediately started screaming. People in other cars started screaming. People on the street started screaming.

But the old lady seemed to not hear any of it or simply didn’t care.

The train let out a super loud whistle, over and over again.

But the little old lady just kept crossing the tracks. She didn’t seem to be in any big hurry either.

She made it to the other side of the tracks with no more than three feet to spare. It wasn’t until she cleared the tracks that I realized I had been holding my breath.

Really people? Is this what we have to look forward to when we get older? Will I eventually get to a time in my life that I forgot to obey train gates and flashing lights? Will a time come that I cannot even hear the ridiculously loud horn on a train? I am the most impatient person in the world but there is no way in hell I would ever cross the train tracks when the gates are down and the lights are flashing. I have to work like hell to remember that when I am older.

Yes, it was cold outside and I am sure this old woman just wanted to get home, but come on. You made it this far in your life, do you really want to die by getting smashed by a train?

Probably not.

The Fever

2010-02-08T08:42:00.000-08:00

I was reading a blog on Friday and I literally lost control of myself at work. One minute I was happy and excited for the weekend and the next I was bawling my eyes out at my desk. I was doing that really hard crying where it is hard to breathe and controlling the snot coming out of your nose is not an option. It really was not pretty. Lucky for me the boss was out of the office when it happened.

What was the big deal, you may ask?

Babies.

The Single Girl wrote this really beautiful story of the birth of her daughter and I lost it less than half way through.

I don’t have babies.

I really, really want babies.

Even though Leland and I always use a condom, I cry every time I get my period. I secretly (now not so secretly) hope that the condom will break. I want to get pregnant so badly that it hurts.

I posted a while back about how frustrating it is when people ask me when I am going to have kids and honestly, the only reason it bothers me is because I am afraid I will start crying.

Leland knows how I feel but he is trying to be rational and logical about having babies. He wants to wait until we are in a better financial position. He wants the market to turn so we can sell our house because neither of us really wants to have a baby in our house. He wants to make sure he is absolutely 100% sure he is ready to be a daddy.

I understand how he feels but am starting to get impatient.

(What is written above was written on Friday in the midst of my emotional breakdown. The rest was written this morning when I have a much clearer head.)

It amazes me how the desperate need for a baby comes and goes. On Friday, I couldn’t think of anything else. I spent the afternoon calling a ton of girlfriends in order to calm down. But since it was a Friday afternoon and everyone was working, I called Danny. So not a woman but he did his very best to channel his inner estrogen and act like a girlfriend.

And he was awesome and wonderful and made everything better.

We spent this past weekend visiting some friends in Michigan. We picked up Donnie and Annette on the way and drove the 6 hours to see Adam and Janice. It was a pretty low key weekend that consisted of a lot of drinking, beer bongs, greasy yet delicious pizza, playing games and waking up hung over.

On the drive home, Donnie and Annette slept in the back seat while Leland kept me company up front. We were listening to some music and chatting quietly and I realized that I love it when it is just us. We were talking about things we needed to do for our road trip, stuff we wanted to get done this week, we laughed about some of the things that happened over the weekend. As I was driving and holding his hand I realized that while I do want to have babies soon, I don’t think I want them too soon. I do like the way my life is and do want to be able to spend some more time with Leland without any little monsters running around.

Now it’s Monday morning and I am fine. I actually feel a little silly for getting so upset on Friday. Yes, I want a baby. I have never kept that a secret from anyone. I guess there will just be times when it bothers me that I don’t have one yet and times when it won’t. What I have to make sure I do is enjoy every single moment that I have left without children because once they come I will not be able to get that freedom back.

I am sure I’ll have more emotional breakdowns in the future, but for now, this one is under wraps. Leland is going to be out of town for work next week and I am looking forward to the time to myself. I am looking forward to the awesome summer that Leland and I have planned. I am looking forward to being good to myself and taking better care of myself. For now, it’s just me and Leland.

And I am happy about that.